MOVED!

I moved to Wordpress.
http://nibsandinny1031.wordpress.com/

Caution: Bad MOOD ahead!

I am having a terrible, no good, very bad morning! I know.... I know..."change your thoughts and change your day." I don't want to self help my inner child. She is entitled to revolt every once in awhile.

I must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed last night.
Who thought of that? I guess I shouldn't care because it will be my excuse for the day. Come to think of it I use that bullshit a lot. I can't wait until Friday.

Is it Friday yet? If I blink three times, like Dorothy her heels on The Wizard of Oz, will I STILL be sleeping in my favorite position? Wouldn't it be grand if we could get three fantasy wishes a day? I want to think creatively, if I swallow a Red Bull with some potent java magic MIGHT happen. Words are hard to sort through in my mental file cabinet at the moment.

As I greet the new day, I may just decide to stew in angry thoughts.
They rev me up like some metal bands.
It does not take much for me to boil over with negative energy.

Today it involves McCain, his anything goes attitude and cannonball comments, his PR reps who do double duty with damage control and the GAYS. It is quite comical to watch him spit out sewage ,seconds later his peeps air freshen the Universe.

I need to get me a PR rep. In fact, that would be a "fantasy" wish for Hump Day! Imagine how my world would move if I HAD a PR REP helping me through my blunders, bleeps and bloopers. Especially while I'm working. There is way to much male hormones stuffed into the small office that I occupy. They make the usual "dumb blonde jokes", It's Carmel coloring dammit! I slide in a dig from time to time. Sometimes they tilt there head like my confused Wheaten Terrier. Enter DAMAGE CONTROL DIVA, she got it "going on" (3 snaps in a Z formation people). Her quick witted mind is no match for them.

I blink three times, and I am back to reality. I am ready to face the day.

Random

I need to post. I have to push myself into the writing rhythm. Also, because even though I am still "tippin' my 40" I need to push "Bozo the Clown" down a few post, he scares the shit out of me (in my whisper voice).

Let's Talk:

I just read that Jessica Alba had a baby girl. Where was I under a rock?
Jessica "Holy Hot" Alba had a baby a few weeks ago, and I have seen recent pics of her, she looks better than anyone on the planet. I don't care how she is losing the baby weight. Hell, I wouldn't mind if she uses her index finger while hurling the calories down the porcelain god (although I would be concerned and shocked reading about it on digg.com).
This is one "delish" picture of her, I don't care if this is before baby, give her credit where credit is due people and salivate.



Last, I was pleasantly surprised to read that Jessica named her child, Honor Marie. We actually KNOW an Honor Marie, folks! In fact, when the kids were smaller, since Honor Marie is our middle child's age (and BFFL), they created their own band and made a song called, "HONOR MARIE".
Jessica call us if you need someone to sing a sweet lullaby.
Meee meeeee meeee meeee meeee mmmeeeeeee mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeee, getting the vocals ready J.I.C. "Honor Honor Honor Marie...."

Did you Hear?

Bozo the Clown is dead. Let's tip the 40's and get out the lighter's and give MAD LOVE to the man that I watched throughout my childhood.

"American Family Association Launches Boycott Against McDonald's For Promoting The Homosexual Agenda"

American Family Association Launches Boycott Against McDonald’s For ‘Promoting The Homosexual Agenda’»
Today, the right-wing American Family Association (AFA) announced a boycott of McDonald’s. According to AFA, Ronald McDonald and his gang are part of giant gay agenda:

What the boycott of McDonald’s IS about

It is about McDonald’s, as a corporation, refusing to remain neutral in the culture wars. McDonald’s has chosen not to remain neutral but to give the full weight of their corporation to promoting the homosexual agenda, including homosexual marriage.

AFA is upset at McDonald’s for refusing to condemn Vice President of Communications Richard Ellis’s decision to serve on the Board of Directors of the National Gay & Lesbian Chamber of Commerce (NGLCC). AFA President Donald Wildmon said the situation is “strange” because “it’s the family that McDonald’s appeals to — children’s playland, you know, all the little toys, all of that. And they are promoting a lifestyle that would utterly destroy the traditional family.”

So far, McDonald’s is holding strong, writing a letter to Wildmon on May 29 and rebuffing his attacks:

We treat our employees and our customers with respect and dignity, regardless of their ethnicity, religious beliefs, sexual orientation or other factors. We support our employees’ personal involvement in organizations of their choice.

Although AFA tries to make clear that it is NOT protesting McDonald’s “hiring homosexuals” or “homosexuals eating at McDonald’s,” as Good As You notes, “Whether it’s a direct attack on gay customer or employees or an attack on particular employees role in a pro-gay capacity, this situation is still about the company supporting diversity (something the AFA resists at every turn).”

AFA has a long history of silly, offensive boycotts against, among others, Wal-Mart (for selling “Brokeback Mountain” DVDs), Ford Motor Company (for advertising in gay-friendly publications), and the American Girl dolls (because the maker contributed to a youth organization that was pro-choice and supported the acceptance of lesbians). In 2005, it called off its unsuccessful nine-year boycott of Disney (for its “embrace of the homosexual lifestyle“).

McDonald’s should follow Disney’s lead and ignore the right-wing protests. After all, during the nine years AFA was boycotting Disney, the company saw record profits.

Digg It! (by Amanda-http://thinkprogress.org/2008/07/03/mcdonalds-boycott/)

Gay Marriage News for New York

Court's Gay Marriage Ruling Will Test Paterson's Policy
New York State Politics
By JOSEPH GOLDSTEIN, Staff Reporter of the Sun
June 23, 2008

The issue of gay marriage in New York is returning to court today, with a panel of appellate judges in Brooklyn scheduled to hear arguments on whether the state must recognize same-sex marriages performed elsewhere.


New York State currently does not permit gay couples to marry but has, for the most part, recognized unions that have been performed out of state. Just last month, Governor Paterson took steps to ensure that all state agencies recognized gay marriages performed elsewhere.

But whether the Legislature or the courts will allow Mr. Paterson to set the policy on this issue remains to be seen.

The case being heard today, Godfrey v. Spano, will consider whether recognition of same-sex marriages first requires approval from the Legislature. So far the Legislature hasn't passed any laws relating to gay marriage.

Whatever decision the Brooklyn appeals court reaches in the Godfrey case is sure to be quickly appealed to the state's highest court, the Court of Appeals.

The lawsuit, which is being litigated by a Christian legal group based in Arizona, predates Mr. Paterson's pronouncement. It is a challenge to a similar marriage recognition policy by the Westchester county executive, Andrew Spano. The suit, filed in 2006, is brought in the name of four Westchester county residents who say the policy brings "injury and mischief" to local taxpayers because it will extend spousal benefits to the spouses of gay county employees who entered into same-sex marriages out of state.

Massachusetts and California are the only two states that perform gay marriages. Canada also conducts such marriages.

New York State has long recognized out-of-state marriages between men and women who are not eligible for marriage in this state. In one oft-cited precedent, the state recognized a Rhode Island marriage of an uncle and niece. The main legal question before the court is whether that principle applies to same-sex unions.

The case may well turn on how the court defines marriage.

A lawyer for the Arizona group, the Alliance Defense Fund, argues in an appellate brief that this marriage recognition rule "does not apply to same-sex unions, regardless of whether they are labeled a 'marriage,' because a same-sex union, by definition, does not qualify as a marriage." In support, the group's lawyer, Brian Raum, quotes from several dictionary definitions of the word "marriage," including one popular in the 1700s.

A gay rights organization, Lambda Legal, which represents a gay married couple from Westchester in the case, argues that the marriage-recognition principle must extend to gay marriages.

"This action should be recognized for what it is — a bald maneuver to impair the rights of lesbian and gay New Yorkers by ideologically motivated plaintiffs and counsel who cannot countenance that government officials are applying New York law evenhandedly to these residents," a Lambda Legal lawyer, Susan Sommer, argued in an appellate brief.

The Alliance Defense Fund recently filed a similar suit challenging Mr. Paterson's marriage-recognition policy. The group dates back to 1994 and was founded by prominent evangelical Christians, including the evangelists William Bright, D. James Kennedy, and the president of Focus on the Family, James Dobson.

Scolding me on Facebook that I can't keep up to my end of the bargain in BLOGland... well I NEVER! (whispering the last few words while looking up in my "nini" way, hurt and embarrassed).

You know how my MIND works by now, either the voices are all in order with one thought leading the way OR they come quickly scattered with A.D.H.D symptoms.

Chew on this pic for awhile! I JUST know my poetry leaves you perplexed & alone with many questions. LMBBAOA!

Dude, I was thinking about the time that I had the "lunch box" book(remember 'Nember the pink book with the oral sex "how tos" that Tom got woozy from and had to retreat to the bedroom???). Remember 'Nember on "MY Space" I was like if you listen to Rick Springfield "Jesses Girl" their will be answers... please tell me you remember that funny ass moment where YOU actually believed that by playing "Jesse's Girl" record backwards (like a cult member)you would hear the answers to pleasure a woman.

'Nuff said~ my face says it all! Switches, me love you the longest of the longest time!

 

Eyes of a Child

 

It's 9:30 AM. He has been transported successfully to his destination, school. All is well in the Shlape household.
In this moment, I may find Zen. An hour ago I was serenity challenged. There were temper tantrums and tears (and that was just from the "Big Mama")and ring side seats for"five year old vs wreck of the week mama" battling.

It seems my voice does NOT intimidate him anymore. I pulled out my bag of "Mama" warfare and he challenged me until I surrendered.

My only question to him, while in our calm state, what happens? I want to be able to understand through the eyes of MY child how he can disappear into another world while presently walking through his day with ten tasks to go.
He has a goal, I turn around and he IS OFF running naked throughout freshly vacuumed rooms with plastic kitchen toy knives as his "karate" sticks. I prompt more than necessary for a 5 year old who has been doing this ALL YEAR LONG. Hollering ensues.

I wish I could not panic over deadlines. I long to be the mother who balances the world with one hand while defying school rules, BECAUSE she IS "SUPERDUPERDELICIOUS MOM" who has no time for piddly nonsense due to the fact she is fighting Global Warming/Healing the sick in her family/volunteering at the local soup kitchen ALL while working a FULL TIME job and putting a five course meal on the table by 5.

I worry. I fear the... duh.. duh... duh... LATE sign in BOOK. It is a book of failure. I hang my head low and sign him in. If I can't get my five year old "Red Devil" to school on time how will I EVER be successful enough to be a GUEST star on OPRAH? I admit for a few months I put some creative flair to my late book signing excuses: laundry piling up and son with fashion issues, needed chemicals to live (asthma attack), loves to sleep/hates to listen... After awhile I call my partner, again with my head hung low, and admit defeat "I signed the book again!" She knows my issues about the book. My need to be: “Practically Perfect Poppins”.

Today, I signed the book. Actually yesterday I signed it, too. My excuse: LATE. Do I really care at this point? 10+ more days of school and we have to worry about where we will place the BOY for summer camp. It's on my SANTA (means long mother hellion) LIST. My partner always says, "I guarantee that by the time he goes to college this will not matter."

This morning my son and I connected once again on the way to school. We talked about pacts broken and new finger promises to start fresh. I still long to know what goes on inside that five year old. Where he goes when the world is still moving?

In the end, I am jealous. I wish to be five again to live through the eyes of a child. They fight and make up with no grudges held. They have little worries of the future and live in a second to second time frame. They struggle to remember the past. It’s as if it has been “Etch-A-Sketch” from their cranium. Today does not have to play Peek-A-Boo with them because they are lost in yesterday. Today is their companion.
If I can JUST be happy in the moment and not fret over small things I will see things through the eyes of a child.
'Nuff said! Peace out peeps!

You can't, you won't... you're just not going to get me uplifted this morning.
I have no positive point to make. I am grouchy. I am stewing in my own "Oh Woa is me" moments. Lack of sleep? I don't know. Robin decided last night to do what she does best, buy the generic of a product that MAY have needed more than a KING Kullen special. Hmm.. I let her go with it. I didn't make waves when she skipped up to the counter saving 2.00 bucks. But at 12 PM and then 3 PM I could not take it anymore. She snores! She snores like God bowls in a thunderstorm. I wake her and she says, "why did you wake me?". What a silly question. Why wouldn't I wake you? Would it be fair that I have to listen to the Earth collapsing every time your in R.E.M state? Just call me Maggie Mood Swings, she does. Although I like to think of her asMolly McSelfish. Today, I am not in a loving place with her. She will blame me. I will accept it.
Currently I will be late for work since I am focusing on blogging before career.
Although I am not exactly sure where I am supposed to be today. Once I can ask that internal question and get a response, I will gladly run accordingly to the goal line.
I think I am most cranky that I have to go to work today. There will be stress, lots of it. I will practice finding my BUDDHA from within.
Peace!

Running with Thoughts

I don't just "run with scissors".
I run with thoughts while running with scissors and multi tasking my world.

When I am open to suggestions I see how easily and effortlessly I can self destruct. IF all the inspirational elites have sent their email newsletters to my mailboxes AND I ACTUALLY open/read them I am crawling toward the Surrender start line. IF I end my day with minimal OLD way thinking I am proud to say I have reached the Freedom finish line.
Unfortunately, MOST DAYS I am stuck half stalled AT MY start line CALLED"Sanity challenged with a stubborn streak".

My partner and I are NOW proud new members of Long Island Community Fellowship (www.LICF.net). For a few years, Robin and I searched through various spiritual movements JUST to find our NOW spiritual HOME. Robin likes to say, "I found a place to hang my spiritual hat". The first time we ventured to LICF in Bayshore we did a "drive by", we drove by, parked for a second, scoped out the place and then drove by again to the highway. The second time was Christmas morning. There were only two families since everyone came the night before, but we loved the message from the sermon. It felt like I needed that spiritual jump start. They didn't think we were going to be back. PRESENTLY, Robin and I attend faithfully every Sunday. WE ATTEND SOCIAL EVENTS,MEETINGS, VOLUNTEER AND Robin is also on the "Angels" Softball team. If I don't go (we had a MS Walk at Jones Beach one Sunday) I feel a part of me is missing. It is like family dinner on Sundays (not that I want to COMPARE OR relate my BLOOD family who has left me in the dust since I made a lifestyle change with my VERY accepting AND LOVING LICF family but you get it).

Yesterday Pastor Shane's sermon was "The Last Word". He talked about people desiring to have the last word in arguments.
I can relate, I am the last word girl in my relationship even if I have to leave the room and still talk about it OUT LOUD for my dogs, myself or the UNIVERSE. This is one of my dirty habits. It is my Ego's gifts and my PRESENT poison. IF I want to stay in this moment and lead a full filling life I have to get rid of my habits. Whoa! Tough work ahead of me.
Controlling, Obsessive thinking, negative nelly ranting and criticising are some of shameful character defects. The last word is my control tactic.

When I am ON, I see rainbows and everyone holding hands while skipping through the park.
When I am OFF, I see people pushing little old ladies into mud puddles.

Listening to Oprah on XM one fine bumper to bumper traffic day on the Island, Rabbi Shmulley's topic gave me the "ah ha" CLARITY moment. We are a nation of second to second fill me up with shopping splurges and thrill seeking affairs. WE max out credit cards and ruin relationships to seek fulfillment with our inner emptiness. What we forget is that the shopping spree ends with a bang after you get the bill and the fun filled tryst in the back seat of your lovers car fills you with more disgust and emptiness than when you started the addictions.
We lack "purpose" We are a nation of bored/empty lost souls with the only agenda being, THE QUICK FIX!

Pastor Shane at LICF talked about "The Last Word" not just being who can argue the longest, BUT if we KNEW our life would end tomorrow what would be our last words, our last thoughts, our last actions. Would we care about the worries, the complaints, the resentments, the control???? HELL no! WE would live, love and laugh till it was over.

Today, I KNOW that I USED TO live in my head because it handicaped me from finding purpose. I loveD the last word, because it kept me in a trick state of "well I am to busy to find purpose and live with passion, don't you see I am living everyone else's life, WHATEVER!" If I was to know my day would be coming I don't think the people that bother me would even be in my thought process anymore.

I GET IT! Maybe I "got it" before but in this moment I GET IT NOW, AGAIN! How grateful am I to be able to do it all over again with a blank slate? VERY!


My goal today: TO FIND MY purpose (first research what true purpose means)
To live in the NOW and stay out of my F^&*ing HEAD! 'nuff said!


If you need to CHAT I will be sitting in one of the rainbow chairs getting ready for the race of my life!
PEACE

Everything is Magic!

As I traveled to pick up my son from our agreed upon location (1/2 mid point) on Sunday thoughts jumped around in my head. At first, I was disgruntled. I like listening to Oprah when Oprah is alive with positive self help gurus like Dr. Robin, Marianne Williamson and Eckhart Tolle. At this particular moment, it was centered around clutter/cleaning. Now I KNOW I can definitely benefit from listening to the helpful hints but I longed for the inspiration, the show that would call to my life. I guess it wasn't the right moment. The universe/God was calling me to reflect/meditate without steering off the road!

I remember starting this blog. It began as a healthy outlet to vent my frustrations with everyday family life. AT points, even in the midst of the quarrel/strife I wrote with humor. Thankfully, that type of creative "therapy" helped me hurdle over the difficult times. Soon my friends and family were reading it often times "hounding" me for more. I told them, "I'm not a machine. Words come when they are ready!"

Last May, I fell into what seemed like an abyss. I was slapped with court paperwork, right at my doorstep, and I lost my breath for a brief moment. I had to do much growing in spirit and mind. Amazingly, (it's a God thing I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND) a woman from my old neck of the woods responded to one of my blogs. It was a period in my life where I felt the pity party should be centered on my sorrow; I had the wrong judge, lawyer... well life! I wrote about my misfortune, my son's misfortune-
Oh- WO is me! She wrote me a quick comment to email her. And so my life was re directed. This woman, although we don't exchange emails or correspondence anymore, was my "REASON". She gave me guidance since her life path mirrored mine. She went through the same court situation back in the 90's which was a tougher crowd for gay relationships/child custody/father's rights/dissolution of the hetero marriage....
She had my judge, she knew his work. She passed on a number. Magic happened!

The process took close to a year, I had to dig deep to find my strength many times. If it wasn't for my friends, family and MOST OF ALL my faith in GOD I would have hit bottom without getting up. Today I am blessed! The order has been signed. We are moving on. My life, although bumpy at times, is where God intended for me to be.

Sometimes I revert back to the "why me's?" pity party mind set. It is easy to find drama.
Most people want to just talk about their problems. They think their life is filled with more messes than yours. If you listen... really listen like Elmer Fudd hunting rabbits you will hear the familiar theme underneath the thick surface. IF you pull back the layers of the human condition there is a longing/needing just to be HEARD. People don't care if anyone is listening. They just want to use their voice. Maybe most people have been silent to long and now feel compelled to talk, be right, argue bullshit, shoot the breeze, control with vocal chords, speak their "rightness", cry their pity party... and the world moves with egos leading the way.

Yesterday, I went to a wake. He was ONLY 26 years old. I didn't know him well. I met him on a several occasions while he was dying. The doctors gave him "deadlines" for death. He reminded me of a gentle giant. I have been through tough times in my life. And I always managed to see people's true colors in the face of it. They look drawn, speak negative thoughts, cry of the injustices of their situation EXCEPT with him. What I can remember about our brief moments together at random events/parties he was selfless, thoughtful, empathetic, easy going, happy and "inspirational". Inspirational because even in my healthiest of moments the ugly ego of me can rear it's ugly head. I want to be right, I crave to be understood, I desire to be loved but most of all I want to control life. This is something I am learning to master, getting my ego out of the way so I can find the awakening! Once you are in the present there is a calm/peace, you are aware of others egos and it doesn't bother you. This is yet another situation that God intended for me. He was my "Reason".

My partner's youngest child can irritate me easily due to her ungrateful attitude and her constant negativity; usually I listen to her whine and throw countless pity parties throughout the day. Sometimes I argue with her because I want to inspire her/switch her method of thinking but her ‘ah-ha’ moment does not come. Usually she melts down from her own selfishness until you just can’t take the toxic vibes or she deflects and argues about all my faults. It is a match where there are only losers.
Today, I need to let go and just remember what he taught me. He taught me life is too short to worry about the petty bulls**t. I can’t change her. I can’t control her to laugh and just BE, be happy, be grateful, be positive, be alive, be selfless, be responsible, be love to all, be the change you wish to see in this world. All I can do is BE.

This morning I woke up to Tim McGraw's song in my head. NOW I am not a country bumpkin nor do I like the redneck way of life, but I heard the song a few days ago and it is fitting to the situation. "LIVE like YOU WERE DYING!" Shouldn't we all wake up with a grateful heart, positive steps and a song in our heart? Wouldn't it be grand if we could all just live like we were dying, think about turning the other cheek when someone wrongs us because we just don’t' have time to worry about being right?

To live with an ego mindset is a form of suffering. I don't want to suffer. I want to live like "E" did. He lived like he WAS dying feeling the MAGIC of every moment! So when you are complaining.. Complaining... can't stand you’re cramped up shoes or you just have the blues think about being grateful for your breath! It is a gift! So simple but yet we forget about that miracle everyday!
To me, in this moment, everything is magic!

A Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or
a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you
will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is
usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have
come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you
with guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a
godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason
you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an
inconvenient time, this person will say or do something
to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our
desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you
sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON . . .
Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount
of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things
you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional
foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the
person, and put what you have learned to use in all
other relationships and areas of your life. It is said
that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Author Unknown


Every single creature is full of God and is a book about God.
Meister Eckhart

say what?

Things I am learning

I am on hyper mode in the thinking department. These are some of my thoughts:

* Never.. and I MEAN NEVER... respond to your life partner in THIS way while out at a business networking event. "Honey, Are you ready to go?" (ME)"Yes, we're ready to go?" My colleagues and group attendees stare with puzzled expression. (ME) "Oh she knows the committee members are ready, too" (as I touch my head with my two hands and wait for the laughter) - crickets soon follow! Do you think there will be referrals?

* If you have all or nothing tendencies it is BEST not to go on line renting and requesting at the local library. (FYI: I have about 7 books in my possession and 2 more as I type on hold waiting for me at my library branch).

* Even Martha Stewart can't help me with my Composting Challenges. I am a composting drop out three years running. I claim "THIS WILL BE THE YEAR", but with my coffee grinds in one plastic bin and newspapers and cardboard scraps in another I might buckle and buy compost at the local nursery.

* I can't take on a whole yard of crab grass, but I will arm myself with a box of garbage bags to stop the weed growth and pebbles to cover the problems. This is the year I will find that damn green thumb everyone keeps talking about!


* Why does "a safe place" have to slip from your memory bank when looking for that important object in the F*%#@ "safe place" at the LAST MINUTE?

* I can have a temper tantrum like a five year old while looking for THAT important object in the F*%#@ "safe place"!!

* Saying "I am wrong and you're right about that" is one of most difficult sentences to spit out when YOU BELIEVE you are ALWAYS right about "that"!

* Saying "I'm sorry that I__________" is the second hardest sentence to say when you ARE a STRONG WILLED POLLACK (like me).

* Therapy can be more than just a weekly co payment if you use it correctly (much props to my therapist who was dealt the lucky hand to deal with an hour of moi every week).

* Challenges don't make you stronger IT'S the Ass____ that keep popping up IN your challenges that make you one tough bitch!


* A month of "Zen"/gratitude and positive affirmations can all {POOF} VANISH with a five second phone call with your ex or ANY other annoying person that seem to keep jumping into your car of life.

* Boundaries and building walls ARE TWO VERY different things, which I am learning in therapy. Although building walls is often necessary when dealing with ex's, ass_______ or any person that you have to associate with that make you want to "build a freaking wall" in the first place.


Things I am learning about myself:


Even though I am not a "people person" when duty calls, and I am needed to fill in the role, I CAN be the greatest gay MC EVEN IF I am just as confused as the contestants on the panel (it's a "LGBT Newlywed Game" thing you probably won't understand).


I will always argue my point (my partner thinks I missed my calling as a lawyer)even if I have to take that dead horse, give him CPR to bring him/her back to life and then beat the dead horse ALL OVER again (it's a freaking figure of speech people).

I can use many tactics of self sabotage, and "I'll never tell" (in that scary movie voice) but it DOES involve me beating a dead horse, silent scorn and.... (fill in the blank if you think you can)

AND THE BIGGEST THINGS OF ALL THAT I AM LEARNING: Birth Control a one less cup of coffee makes me one sarcastic sista'







much self love, inner peace and LAUGHTER makes the world go round and round!

Disclaimer: Must Kiegel before watching this ....

.....But only if you have poor vaginal muscles.
I found this from someone else's site.
Holy Hellion Batgirl, thankfully I have been blessed with excellent V.muscles!
BE prepared to laugh!

Mood swings

Today is not the day to blog, because ... well hmmm.. well dealing with my hurt/angry feelings due to other people's perceptions of me and scenarios that I have stumbled into- (quick recap: it sucks to be a future step parent in a blended lesbian stepfamily sometimes. Detachment is my goal.).

May you all realize that no ONE can love you the right way IF you don't love yourself first.
Hoping everyone finds inner peace, authentic self love and the ability to laugh off what others think of you!

Senior moments

Does anyone get "brain farts" at 34? Those times when you forget what is in the oven even when you prepared a delicious tuna casserole for the last hour? The days when you forgot why you entered THAT room and you just spin around until the person or thing comes into visible view?
I am having these moments by the truckload. I am blaming it on my just starting out on the birth control pill days(it's a hormones/acne thing you might not understand). AT least I can laugh about it. I am not in sensitive- ready- for- attack/fantasy mode, I am still in reality.
I don't want to panic just yet, if there were 'OTHERS' wouldn't I NOT know about them (talking about the MPD disorder)? I seem to remember where my ego is at all times, it usually is the one screaming "I'm right about that!" or "I don't like this feeling of uncomfortable let me build a wall". I think I am safe with that DSMR personality trait, I am just having the usual "senior moments".
What I wish for today:
* I wish Tinkerbell could ring her bell and all the physical mess in my house would be cleaned up instantaneously.
* I wish my partner would get "balls" and find her voice (excluding me).
* I wish that everyone remembers their purpose today even if it IS JUST entering a room and knowing why they went into it.

Things I will work on ....

Can you believe it is January 28, 2008?!
Reality check: (*Sigh*)I am just not consistent in blog land.
Honestly, I lack follow through with 75% of my personal life (ie: scrap booking, journal writing, painting, organizing ...), so it did not suprise me that I would have the same philosophy with blogging. I am like a borderline (BPD) patient with my all- or- nothing approach to writing on the WWW. My email activity and constant Internet "research" leaves me booked up for weeks at a time.
When I frequent the blog rooms, I notice my character defect: Principle of Balance challenged with a jabber jaw. I don't stop chatting even in BLOGLAND. I admire the bloggers with the two sentence blurbs. I want to be just like them. But with this blog going over the 4 sentence marker, I can only fantasize of how my life would be like if I JUST STOPPED THINKING AND TALKING (looking up in fantasy mode). I COULD HAVE BEEN A CONTENDER OR on my way to becoming a Buddha teacher. Whatever! This is me: the good, the bad and the chatty patty ME.
I want to have a point, I want to teach a lesson.... these are my mission statements and when I have no life lesson to poke fun at, I fall back into my usual writer's slump. Or I get the "ah ha" writing moments while I am stuck on the Grand Central going to meet my ex (blending my life for the child custody schedule). Time can be very inappropriate. My genius comes out when I am in the shower or running into the car while balancing my life in one hand and directing a five year old with typical listening issues to follow my pointer finger and voice to the car and not the road.. not the grass.. noo noooooooo not the patch of dirt with the bed of dead flowers. I can never just "get it" while I am sitting dormant with a pen/paper or laptop available, and by the time I can sit and reflect I lost the punch line.

My goal today: To realize that I am not in a teacher's position. Hell, I can't even manage to teach myself how to parallel park (work through the fear Jeannine work through the fear). I am not Buddhist nun and have no Wayne Dyer spirit moving through my system giving me the right to blog with a "purpose". I am little 'ol me living the usual blended lesbian step family life. I am focusing on spiritual and emotional growth- cleaning up "my side of the street" today.
I am scratching my skin wanting so desperately to have a point to this story, but I won't make one! No, I will keep this in fragmented Pollack form.
I can do it!
One .. two ... buckle .. my shoe .. three .. four .. shut the door(as I make silly noises with finger and bottom lip).
How you like me now?
to the peeps that know me and still hang out with me anyway:
much self love, inner peace and authentic happiness

see pic below- my hero