Everything is Magic!

As I traveled to pick up my son from our agreed upon location (1/2 mid point) on Sunday thoughts jumped around in my head. At first, I was disgruntled. I like listening to Oprah when Oprah is alive with positive self help gurus like Dr. Robin, Marianne Williamson and Eckhart Tolle. At this particular moment, it was centered around clutter/cleaning. Now I KNOW I can definitely benefit from listening to the helpful hints but I longed for the inspiration, the show that would call to my life. I guess it wasn't the right moment. The universe/God was calling me to reflect/meditate without steering off the road!

I remember starting this blog. It began as a healthy outlet to vent my frustrations with everyday family life. AT points, even in the midst of the quarrel/strife I wrote with humor. Thankfully, that type of creative "therapy" helped me hurdle over the difficult times. Soon my friends and family were reading it often times "hounding" me for more. I told them, "I'm not a machine. Words come when they are ready!"

Last May, I fell into what seemed like an abyss. I was slapped with court paperwork, right at my doorstep, and I lost my breath for a brief moment. I had to do much growing in spirit and mind. Amazingly, (it's a God thing I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND) a woman from my old neck of the woods responded to one of my blogs. It was a period in my life where I felt the pity party should be centered on my sorrow; I had the wrong judge, lawyer... well life! I wrote about my misfortune, my son's misfortune-
Oh- WO is me! She wrote me a quick comment to email her. And so my life was re directed. This woman, although we don't exchange emails or correspondence anymore, was my "REASON". She gave me guidance since her life path mirrored mine. She went through the same court situation back in the 90's which was a tougher crowd for gay relationships/child custody/father's rights/dissolution of the hetero marriage....
She had my judge, she knew his work. She passed on a number. Magic happened!

The process took close to a year, I had to dig deep to find my strength many times. If it wasn't for my friends, family and MOST OF ALL my faith in GOD I would have hit bottom without getting up. Today I am blessed! The order has been signed. We are moving on. My life, although bumpy at times, is where God intended for me to be.

Sometimes I revert back to the "why me's?" pity party mind set. It is easy to find drama.
Most people want to just talk about their problems. They think their life is filled with more messes than yours. If you listen... really listen like Elmer Fudd hunting rabbits you will hear the familiar theme underneath the thick surface. IF you pull back the layers of the human condition there is a longing/needing just to be HEARD. People don't care if anyone is listening. They just want to use their voice. Maybe most people have been silent to long and now feel compelled to talk, be right, argue bullshit, shoot the breeze, control with vocal chords, speak their "rightness", cry their pity party... and the world moves with egos leading the way.

Yesterday, I went to a wake. He was ONLY 26 years old. I didn't know him well. I met him on a several occasions while he was dying. The doctors gave him "deadlines" for death. He reminded me of a gentle giant. I have been through tough times in my life. And I always managed to see people's true colors in the face of it. They look drawn, speak negative thoughts, cry of the injustices of their situation EXCEPT with him. What I can remember about our brief moments together at random events/parties he was selfless, thoughtful, empathetic, easy going, happy and "inspirational". Inspirational because even in my healthiest of moments the ugly ego of me can rear it's ugly head. I want to be right, I crave to be understood, I desire to be loved but most of all I want to control life. This is something I am learning to master, getting my ego out of the way so I can find the awakening! Once you are in the present there is a calm/peace, you are aware of others egos and it doesn't bother you. This is yet another situation that God intended for me. He was my "Reason".

My partner's youngest child can irritate me easily due to her ungrateful attitude and her constant negativity; usually I listen to her whine and throw countless pity parties throughout the day. Sometimes I argue with her because I want to inspire her/switch her method of thinking but her ‘ah-ha’ moment does not come. Usually she melts down from her own selfishness until you just can’t take the toxic vibes or she deflects and argues about all my faults. It is a match where there are only losers.
Today, I need to let go and just remember what he taught me. He taught me life is too short to worry about the petty bulls**t. I can’t change her. I can’t control her to laugh and just BE, be happy, be grateful, be positive, be alive, be selfless, be responsible, be love to all, be the change you wish to see in this world. All I can do is BE.

This morning I woke up to Tim McGraw's song in my head. NOW I am not a country bumpkin nor do I like the redneck way of life, but I heard the song a few days ago and it is fitting to the situation. "LIVE like YOU WERE DYING!" Shouldn't we all wake up with a grateful heart, positive steps and a song in our heart? Wouldn't it be grand if we could all just live like we were dying, think about turning the other cheek when someone wrongs us because we just don’t' have time to worry about being right?

To live with an ego mindset is a form of suffering. I don't want to suffer. I want to live like "E" did. He lived like he WAS dying feeling the MAGIC of every moment! So when you are complaining.. Complaining... can't stand you’re cramped up shoes or you just have the blues think about being grateful for your breath! It is a gift! So simple but yet we forget about that miracle everyday!
To me, in this moment, everything is magic!

A Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or
a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you
will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is
usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have
come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you
with guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a
godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason
you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an
inconvenient time, this person will say or do something
to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our
desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you
sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON . . .
Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount
of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things
you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional
foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the
person, and put what you have learned to use in all
other relationships and areas of your life. It is said
that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Author Unknown


Every single creature is full of God and is a book about God.
Meister Eckhart

Here's a plug.....

MY beautiful life partner works for one of the Long Island radio stations, her best gay guy friend owns a salon in Nassau county. LOOK at this link to see his special running at KJOY radio station.

say what?

Things I am learning

I am on hyper mode in the thinking department. These are some of my thoughts:

* Never.. and I MEAN NEVER... respond to your life partner in THIS way while out at a business networking event. "Honey, Are you ready to go?" (ME)"Yes, we're ready to go?" My colleagues and group attendees stare with puzzled expression. (ME) "Oh she knows the committee members are ready, too" (as I touch my head with my two hands and wait for the laughter) - crickets soon follow! Do you think there will be referrals?

* If you have all or nothing tendencies it is BEST not to go on line renting and requesting at the local library. (FYI: I have about 7 books in my possession and 2 more as I type on hold waiting for me at my library branch).

* Even Martha Stewart can't help me with my Composting Challenges. I am a composting drop out three years running. I claim "THIS WILL BE THE YEAR", but with my coffee grinds in one plastic bin and newspapers and cardboard scraps in another I might buckle and buy compost at the local nursery.

* I can't take on a whole yard of crab grass, but I will arm myself with a box of garbage bags to stop the weed growth and pebbles to cover the problems. This is the year I will find that damn green thumb everyone keeps talking about!


* Why does "a safe place" have to slip from your memory bank when looking for that important object in the F*%#@ "safe place" at the LAST MINUTE?

* I can have a temper tantrum like a five year old while looking for THAT important object in the F*%#@ "safe place"!!

* Saying "I am wrong and you're right about that" is one of most difficult sentences to spit out when YOU BELIEVE you are ALWAYS right about "that"!

* Saying "I'm sorry that I__________" is the second hardest sentence to say when you ARE a STRONG WILLED POLLACK (like me).

* Therapy can be more than just a weekly co payment if you use it correctly (much props to my therapist who was dealt the lucky hand to deal with an hour of moi every week).

* Challenges don't make you stronger IT'S the Ass____ that keep popping up IN your challenges that make you one tough bitch!


* A month of "Zen"/gratitude and positive affirmations can all {POOF} VANISH with a five second phone call with your ex or ANY other annoying person that seem to keep jumping into your car of life.

* Boundaries and building walls ARE TWO VERY different things, which I am learning in therapy. Although building walls is often necessary when dealing with ex's, ass_______ or any person that you have to associate with that make you want to "build a freaking wall" in the first place.


Things I am learning about myself:


Even though I am not a "people person" when duty calls, and I am needed to fill in the role, I CAN be the greatest gay MC EVEN IF I am just as confused as the contestants on the panel (it's a "LGBT Newlywed Game" thing you probably won't understand).


I will always argue my point (my partner thinks I missed my calling as a lawyer)even if I have to take that dead horse, give him CPR to bring him/her back to life and then beat the dead horse ALL OVER again (it's a freaking figure of speech people).

I can use many tactics of self sabotage, and "I'll never tell" (in that scary movie voice) but it DOES involve me beating a dead horse, silent scorn and.... (fill in the blank if you think you can)

AND THE BIGGEST THINGS OF ALL THAT I AM LEARNING: Birth Control a one less cup of coffee makes me one sarcastic sista'







much self love, inner peace and LAUGHTER makes the world go round and round!

Disclaimer: Must Kiegel before watching this ....

.....But only if you have poor vaginal muscles.
I found this from someone else's site.
Holy Hellion Batgirl, thankfully I have been blessed with excellent V.muscles!
BE prepared to laugh!

Mood swings

Today is not the day to blog, because ... well hmmm.. well dealing with my hurt/angry feelings due to other people's perceptions of me and scenarios that I have stumbled into- (quick recap: it sucks to be a future step parent in a blended lesbian stepfamily sometimes. Detachment is my goal.).

May you all realize that no ONE can love you the right way IF you don't love yourself first.
Hoping everyone finds inner peace, authentic self love and the ability to laugh off what others think of you!

Senior moments

Does anyone get "brain farts" at 34? Those times when you forget what is in the oven even when you prepared a delicious tuna casserole for the last hour? The days when you forgot why you entered THAT room and you just spin around until the person or thing comes into visible view?
I am having these moments by the truckload. I am blaming it on my just starting out on the birth control pill days(it's a hormones/acne thing you might not understand). AT least I can laugh about it. I am not in sensitive- ready- for- attack/fantasy mode, I am still in reality.
I don't want to panic just yet, if there were 'OTHERS' wouldn't I NOT know about them (talking about the MPD disorder)? I seem to remember where my ego is at all times, it usually is the one screaming "I'm right about that!" or "I don't like this feeling of uncomfortable let me build a wall". I think I am safe with that DSMR personality trait, I am just having the usual "senior moments".
What I wish for today:
* I wish Tinkerbell could ring her bell and all the physical mess in my house would be cleaned up instantaneously.
* I wish my partner would get "balls" and find her voice (excluding me).
* I wish that everyone remembers their purpose today even if it IS JUST entering a room and knowing why they went into it.

Things I will work on ....

Can you believe it is January 28, 2008?!
Reality check: (*Sigh*)I am just not consistent in blog land.
Honestly, I lack follow through with 75% of my personal life (ie: scrap booking, journal writing, painting, organizing ...), so it did not suprise me that I would have the same philosophy with blogging. I am like a borderline (BPD) patient with my all- or- nothing approach to writing on the WWW. My email activity and constant Internet "research" leaves me booked up for weeks at a time.
When I frequent the blog rooms, I notice my character defect: Principle of Balance challenged with a jabber jaw. I don't stop chatting even in BLOGLAND. I admire the bloggers with the two sentence blurbs. I want to be just like them. But with this blog going over the 4 sentence marker, I can only fantasize of how my life would be like if I JUST STOPPED THINKING AND TALKING (looking up in fantasy mode). I COULD HAVE BEEN A CONTENDER OR on my way to becoming a Buddha teacher. Whatever! This is me: the good, the bad and the chatty patty ME.
I want to have a point, I want to teach a lesson.... these are my mission statements and when I have no life lesson to poke fun at, I fall back into my usual writer's slump. Or I get the "ah ha" writing moments while I am stuck on the Grand Central going to meet my ex (blending my life for the child custody schedule). Time can be very inappropriate. My genius comes out when I am in the shower or running into the car while balancing my life in one hand and directing a five year old with typical listening issues to follow my pointer finger and voice to the car and not the road.. not the grass.. noo noooooooo not the patch of dirt with the bed of dead flowers. I can never just "get it" while I am sitting dormant with a pen/paper or laptop available, and by the time I can sit and reflect I lost the punch line.

My goal today: To realize that I am not in a teacher's position. Hell, I can't even manage to teach myself how to parallel park (work through the fear Jeannine work through the fear). I am not Buddhist nun and have no Wayne Dyer spirit moving through my system giving me the right to blog with a "purpose". I am little 'ol me living the usual blended lesbian step family life. I am focusing on spiritual and emotional growth- cleaning up "my side of the street" today.
I am scratching my skin wanting so desperately to have a point to this story, but I won't make one! No, I will keep this in fragmented Pollack form.
I can do it!
One .. two ... buckle .. my shoe .. three .. four .. shut the door(as I make silly noises with finger and bottom lip).
How you like me now?
to the peeps that know me and still hang out with me anyway:
much self love, inner peace and authentic happiness

see pic below- my hero