Most days I wake up feeling just like "Phil Connors" (Bill Murray) from "Groundhog Day". It's the same time and same place, my partner moves and the dog's scurry with clawed nails sounding like chalk hitting board they run back and forth .. back and forth... back and freaking forth until their OWNER/mother finally wakes up. But the sad and most depressing thing of all is that they NEVER let us sleep in on the weekends it is the SAME time every single day - starting at 5 AM the claws hit cherry wood floors, starting at 5 AM my life screams "there's gotta' be something better than this?" I am all about learning to be grateful but then there is the lesson on "why settle?" and "learn to love your life but don't just live like a pig in shit 101". I want to love this life, but these rooms breathe memories that I can never join. These dogs will always wake us up at the same time every day (partly because the Cocker has a sick eating issue and wants to start her day sniffing and searching for the food that falls from mouth and fingers). And I still haven't been able to witness more chubby toes learning to walk finding dog tails are a fun playtime (another empty promise marketing trick).
She has all these plans for us, for us to emotionally detox the negativity from our lives. It could work if I was into mystical medicines and chanting, BUT I am not! Instead I want to see improvement by selling the old, giving away the headaches of yesterday and starting fresh, she says it's what she wants but I have seen her when she is in "jibber jabber" mode. The house, it is one of the main sore spots of our relationship, she had fought for from her past. I am not sure what makes people fight when they leave spoiled relationships, maybe it is a chance to hold onto the last bit of memories. But it is that one thing that you hold onto so dearly that will keep kicking you in the face in your present. It is OK for her to live in this house where she ate with her ex, partied with her ex and fought with her ex but it is NOT OK with me. I can't tell you how many coats of paint that I have laid onto stained walls to hide my fears, to cover my issues. But it is the covering, the hiding that leaves me more troubled; because I can change a color, I can move a piece of furniture, but it is what it is and that is IT will never be my house and it will NEVER ever ever be OUR HOUSE. It is the house of "stuck". And her ex walks through new house with new memories, and I am more envious than a middle class teen wanting the high priced "labeled" wardrobe of her popular enemy. She bought her out of this mind trap with a 75,000 payoff to wipe her hands clean and start all over again. My partner thinking she got the better end of the stick is now seeing karma is a funny mother: house is broken down, a kid stays pissed and resentful, present relationship stays in a negative rut and our neighbors are chatty CATTY Cathy's. In my divorce I am letting him keep everything ... why hold onto toxic thoughts and past possessions?
So I can't really find a funny in this moment, it's not possible. She claims that she has goals but I know those goals are a gimmick to calm my storms for just "two more years". It seems perfect if I wasn't so perceptive, but I know better.
So this morning, it is the usual, dogs are up and running and she is like herself in every situation, which is she bends down and takes it up the "hoo hoo" to accommodate... to accommodate and facilitate for dogs, ex and other manipulators (you know who you are). And so this is my prison... my groundhog day.
What I think I learned this morning: God really wants me to start my life!
Let's see I have to find a grateful:
I will see the boy today, hurray!
I am alone.. alone... yes alone, in a room while dogs and partner are away downstairs.
I can sip my coffee and surf the net because I have no set plans this lazy Sunday morning.
MY Goals:
finish an article I had been writing
get myself ready to be "knocked up" even if it means I am one of the positive single mother pregnancies in the United States
make my own money and spend it on a cute little cottage (just enough for just a few dust balls and Irish lace)- less is better... less is always better!
Ahhhh it is Sunday and I still have my day to live- what about yours?
I don't know about you but I am ready to make some magic happen! So what if I rolled off onto the WRONG side of the bed this morning! Life begins again and again as each breath we take.... that's the miracle of life, it is the gift we are given; the present!
So I am here to sprinkle a little fairy dust on y'all and to say JUST BEGIN again, no matter what you might have said, did or acted like in that one grouchy/mean past scene- you got the gift; the present! JUST DO IT!
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