Does it have to be?

Today is my son's birthday party, and although I did NOT get him for his actual birthday I am still grateful for this day.
What I am having a hard time dealing with is my need to control others. I can't make the ME of me stop stressing over how the house looks when there will be people stopping by for cake so why should I try to control selfish people who sit on a couch with hands down there pants flipping through random channels on TV?
It's not to much to ask to know that I stress and battle with my inner sense of self when visitors will be coming. I can feel it coming on days before the actual event.
I panic over "tumbleweeds" (dust balls and dog hair) escaping from the vacuum cleaners path, I fret over ebony dog hair all over white molding (can others see what I see?). It is a sickness brought on by years of modeling an OCD mother with a career as a registered nurse.
So here is goes.... I am upset over a silly yet ongoing issue in regards to her and some boundary setting, which pushes me into a state of "I have to put up walls" mode.
So suffering from stomach aches and just sheer laziness from a rainy Saturday I finally got my energy to begin what I like to call "this is me and just freaking deal with it" mode. So I am cleaning walls and moving objects that possibly did not need to be moved, but I could not talk to my inner child when I am in this state.
So she asks me (mind you this is when I am STILL in "I have to put up my walls" mode), "honey do you need any help?" Are you freaking kidding me, is the Vatican a shady money making business? HELL yes! I need some type of help, but instead I can't show that I am HELPLESS! That would mean that I can't keep the Superhero gear, and I am all about masks and costumes. So I spit out, "forget it, NO!" What I mean is "Yes, can't you see I am running like a chicken without a head and I am panicking because I don't like to socialize or let others see this faulty broken down house." But those words never reach my lips. Instead it is all about anger.. push away! I "hate you" mode... push away. Until I am moving last summer (finally) air conditioners out of rooms and attempting to move around furniture's in the boy's room.
I am spent and so I walk with my head held high into the kitchen proving that I, Jeannine, do NOT need anyone (please help me!).
And what do my resentful eyes see:

Yes a sink full of dirty dishes and an overflowing garbage... hmmm! Ok I can see you not wanting to scrub bathroom toilet but C'MON give a girl a break! Couldn't you at LEAST see that this is NOT PLAYING fair????? I mean to her SHE USES the excuse well I ASKED so it's ok to just sit there, right? No, she knows I am prideful and stubborn just as well as I know that she is always broken/sick and in fear of finances, does that mean I am going to talk about her fears over money - HELL NO, I am going to ignore that part of her and attempt to work on figuring out things to make us comfortable (together). I don't like doing the bills, in fact I am down right fearful of money and bills but I do them because her fears are bigger than mine. It is what I do to make her day run just a little smoother. Couldn't she have at least picked up a freaking pot and moved it to the dishwasher without me asking?
After seeing the disaster in the kitchen it pushed me (once again) into panic/resentful mode. I saw her sleeping like a princess on the living room couch ("taking a cat nap") so I flicked her arm and said, "couldn't you at least empty the garbage?" So she gets up growls, mutters and complains and this is what I get from that whole ordeal:

C'mon give a sista' a break! She couldn't EVEN put a bag in the garbage!! So I just started piling crap in... let her clean her own mess up! She started it (grabbing my crayons and running home).
So I am up NOW since 6 AM, leg shaking because I have YET to do all that I need to do.
And I have to confess from all that anger that I bottled overnight I was able to scrub (on my hands and knees people that's the way it is done in the Shlape house) most of the floors. However, not all my negative "evil" energy was used up so I did a bad bad thing... I will have to "pay it forward" all day to erase this Karma, but I was mad and feeling dissed and dismissed by her I decided to pour the remaining amounts of coffee down the sink and start a fight. There was "get a job you lazy ass" and then the ball bounced to me "I am moving back to DC"... it was like a toxic tennis match with words as the quick served balls. I hope my point was proven, it was all about "you didn't ask me if you wanted coffee" even though I KNEW she always does, but it's the same thing with helping someone clean they may not ask or tell you they need help, but of course they do!
Well I have no finale to this.... because I have to go get my son and finish cleaning, oh and the dishes THEY ARE STILL IN THE FREAKING SINK! 'NUFF said!

just a babble on hump day

Things I am working on today:
1. Procrastination
a. I will pack lunch and snack and write pick up note the night before so I am not running like an Olympic contender in the morning.

2. Reach Zen and find some Tao in my DAY-O
a. I will not go head to head with a soon to be 5 year old over mismatched clothes and sandals in the rain. I will allow God to help me "choose my own battles" accordingly.

3. Ignore and not let others words bother me
a. I will not allow my two "catty" next door neighbors who practice opposite Christian like behavior while going to church every Sunday to hurt me with their ice words.
Don't you just love those bigots who don't practice what God preaches?
NO I didn't ask to live at the library and I CANNOT "shut up" my dogs voices, they are DOGS and they will bark especially when left unattended, thank you very much.
NO I will not go in a panic when my DOGS bark.
AND YES I will allow them to be DOGS and if they can't stand the noise then they can purchase ear plugs or SELL and go infect someone else with their negativity.


An "ah-ha" moment today:

~Maybe it is because I am sleep deprived, waking up every night at 2'ish AM in a stress panic, but this morning my son was spelling out D.O.G and G.O.D ... hmmm God and Dog has the same letters. Did you ever hear of the story about a man who asked God to dinner and God said yes. So the man made a big feast and invited all of his friends and while he waited for God a stray dog jumped on his table and started eating his feast. He was so angry that the dog was eating all his food before God came that he beat the dog and shooed him away. The dog yelped and ran away from the man's attack. His friends left and said "I knew he wouldn't come" The next day the man saw God and said "why didn't you come, my friend don't believe in you." God said "I was there, I was the dog that you attacked and beat. You said to come hungry and so I came as a dog." The moral of the story is to believe and have faith AND that all life force has God in it. So when my neighbor says something abusive to me one more time about my "annoying" animals I am going to say "talk to God HE's in the house." If that doesn't wake her up to some sort of loving kindness than my off the wall comment may just drive her away for good!

Peace out peeps and have a laugh your ARSE off kinda HUMP day-Y'all!

It's a Hard Knock Life...

I was cleaning the kitchen sink overwhelmed with starched filled pots, cereal bowls and getting down and dirty with a leftover Thermos halfway filled with yesterday's "Chickarena" soup for my boy's school lunch. I thought about the bad press on SAHM (stay at home moms). The media often portrays us as incompetent Spa obsessed unmotivated socialites. Ygads, you mean you have NOT USED YOUR bachelors degree in Behavioral Science? (people question). "So like your like a sit home mom and like what do you like do?" (another interesting question) I use my degree, it is never easy to deal with a child in the throws of a tantrum or dealing with the teenage angst and bubbling hormones of this generations youth with their "OMG please do NOT follow me into the mall but do you like ummm like have an extra credit card I can like borrow for just like an hour or like so" I provide options for conflict resolution situations. I also HAVE to multi task, I save money that babysitters and house cleaners or even maintenance workers would HAVE/or still would cost. I also supply comfort and safety when they run into the house after a long day at school. And even I am not an "excellent driver" I still put on my "soccer mom" hat for an errand or activity or several at a time. I may be working without pay, but it is the hardest job that I ever had- and the LONELIEST!
As I scanned the house it proved there was a sort of disease of clutter and showed proof that children ran into rooms with a Tasmania devil's mindset. For example, this morning as I balanced my sanity with positive affirmations I dealt with a short temper tantrum from my four year old in regards to his breakfast boycott. The oatmeal was too hot! He waited! Then the oatmeal was too "liquidy", I added more oatmeal. He waited! Then the oatmeal was too "lumpy", I added his Soy milk. He waited! All while watching "Spongebob". I gave several prompts. I tried techniques offered by the best parents magazines. Nothing! He just waited! I suggested that I would feed him. No response! This was happening while I was preparing his snack and lunch for school. Due to the fact that he has many allergies I decided macaroni would be a suitable choice. Pot bubbling, kid talking back, multi tasking with snack/lunch needs, and I finally gave him the ultimatum either eat or I would turn off the TV. You would think I said there will be no Christmas this year, bombs went off! He screamed, and temper tantrum ensued. I took as many deep breaths that I could remember from my very brief Yoga experience. Pot boiled over my freshly clean flat top stove. I quickly thought of steps: 1. shut off and protect stove from boiling pot. 2. calm the startled and sensitive Wheaten dog whose mother must have smoked crack because he can't function through too much stimuli. 3. gave Gavin a choice, first I shut off the TV and let him fall off the deep end until I could reel him back to the present with my voice "THIS IS THE VOICE" (using my best "TransAmerica" line). while offering to feed him with gentle motherly love. Sanity occurred! He apologized and God smiled! Life was good at that moment, UNTIL I realized we were going to be late for drop off at the school. Running followed! Lots of running and movement here... all a blur!
Teeth brushed
Book bag packed
shoes laced
face washed
medicines administered
Rocco caged (he is a danger to himself when I am gone)
Yet house still a destruction, I was not fazed I could do it with a "Rocky" mentality of all work and no play (except this fast typing post).
I somehow managed to get me and the little man out of the house with minutes to spare, even when I asked him to join his life and get a jacket and the only thing he could find was a very heavy bright yellow WINTER coat. Around the house, once again, running for a light Fall sweatshirt and we are buckled into the car with free XM for three months! God is good, we have the Disney channel and the little man loves to sing loud and proud!
School was packed with kids and parents. We waited, he had feelings that I would not attend with him. I wish life could be like the movie Billy Madison, I wouldn't mind going back and starting all over with him. Most of it is because I miss his little steps throughout the day. I also would love to protect him from all the blows and storms of life.
But today is a good day, there was no tears. He blew me a kiss and walked down the hallway. Gym is today! He was anticipating some fun games.
And I have now slipped back into housecleaning mode. It will be more than a few hours that I will sing "It's a Hard Knock Life" while I scrub floors on my knees, not because I have a "hard life" but because I always wanted to be ANNIE (hey a girl can dream) and no one can hear me belting out those musical tunes.
Ok, wish me luck! I have high hopes that I can clean house, get up to the second with laundry, put all clothes away and still design some flyers for my at home business all before getting my boy at bus time.
Wish HIM luck too, its his FIRST karate class tonight.
Let's hope his homework will be easy and he has his listening ears on!
LIFE IS one awesome ride!Always grateful!

Who needs Mr. Myagi? When you got natural talent...

It's official, big boy is now in the Tae Kwon Do program! He was walking on air when he slipped into his uniform. He didn't like the "have to earn your belt" idea, but he really put in the foot work. Once I cut and slice the video I will put some for some eyes to view. He will learn perserverance, discipline, self confidence, respect and self control.
It was a big day for the little man. He has a girlfriend named Hannah, shhhh she doesn't even know it yet! He colored his face at the request of no one in his Kindergarten class and EARNED his white belt in a private session at Tae Kwon Do (the home of his "sister in his heart" who made BLACK BELT in April and is now in her "Black Belt" program).
His life is moving in a great direction!
My partner also earned him 5000 Webkinz points for him to go shopping for more beds for his two pets (he has a bed fetish, he buys beds and goes penniless).
I think he is practicing LOA (law of attraction) and he didn't even tell me.
Now if I can only wake him up!
LIFE IS beautiful! Save a tree, hug a friend, LOVE an enemy~Pay it forward- Y'all!

short enough for you Jones? :O

I Am

Oldies but Goodies