Is That a Uhaul in my driveway or ARE YOU in Love with ME?

MOVED!

2008-08-18T07:47:00.001-04:00

I moved to Wordpress.
http://nibsandinny1031.wordpress.com/

Caution: Bad MOOD ahead!

2008-07-16T05:57:00.004-04:00

I am having a terrible, no good, very bad morning! I know.... I know..."change your thoughts and change your day." I don't want to self help my inner child. She is entitled to revolt every once in awhile.

I must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed last night.
Who thought of that? I guess I shouldn't care because it will be my excuse for the day. Come to think of it I use that bullshit a lot. I can't wait until Friday.

Is it Friday yet? If I blink three times, like Dorothy her heels on The Wizard of Oz, will I STILL be sleeping in my favorite position? Wouldn't it be grand if we could get three fantasy wishes a day? I want to think creatively, if I swallow a Red Bull with some potent java magic MIGHT happen. Words are hard to sort through in my mental file cabinet at the moment.

As I greet the new day, I may just decide to stew in angry thoughts.
They rev me up like some metal bands.
It does not take much for me to boil over with negative energy.

Today it involves McCain, his anything goes attitude and cannonball comments, his PR reps who do double duty with damage control and the GAYS. It is quite comical to watch him spit out sewage ,seconds later his peeps air freshen the Universe.

I need to get me a PR rep. In fact, that would be a "fantasy" wish for Hump Day! Imagine how my world would move if I HAD a PR REP helping me through my blunders, bleeps and bloopers. Especially while I'm working. There is way to much male hormones stuffed into the small office that I occupy. They make the usual "dumb blonde jokes", It's Carmel coloring dammit! I slide in a dig from time to time. Sometimes they tilt there head like my confused Wheaten Terrier. Enter DAMAGE CONTROL DIVA, she got it "going on" (3 snaps in a Z formation people). Her quick witted mind is no match for them.

I blink three times, and I am back to reality. I am ready to face the day.

Random

2008-07-06T14:50:00.004-04:00

I need to post. I have to push myself into the writing rhythm. Also, because even though I am still "tippin' my 40" I need to push "Bozo the Clown" down a few post, he scares the shit out of me (in my whisper voice).

Let's Talk:

I just read that Jessica Alba had a baby girl. Where was I under a rock?
Jessica "Holy Hot" Alba had a baby a few weeks ago, and I have seen recent pics of her, she looks better than anyone on the planet. I don't care how she is losing the baby weight. Hell, I wouldn't mind if she uses her index finger while hurling the calories down the porcelain god (although I would be concerned and shocked reading about it on digg.com).
This is one "delish" picture of her, I don't care if this is before baby, give her credit where credit is due people and salivate.

Last, I was pleasantly surprised to read that Jessica named her child, Honor Marie. We actually KNOW an Honor Marie, folks! In fact, when the kids were smaller, since Honor Marie is our middle child's age (and BFFL), they created their own band and made a song called, "HONOR MARIE".
Jessica call us if you need someone to sing a sweet lullaby.
Meee meeeee meeee meeee meeee mmmeeeeeee mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeee, getting the vocals ready J.I.C. "Honor Honor Honor Marie...."

Did you Hear?

2008-07-03T21:01:00.002-04:00

Bozo the Clown is dead. Let's tip the 40's and get out the lighter's and give MAD LOVE to the man that I watched throughout my childhood.

"American Family Association Launches Boycott Against McDonald's For Promoting The Homosexual Agenda"

2008-07-03T20:20:00.002-04:00

American Family Association Launches Boycott Against McDonald’s For ‘Promoting The Homosexual Agenda’»
Today, the right-wing American Family Association (AFA) announced a boycott of McDonald’s. According to AFA, Ronald McDonald and his gang are part of giant gay agenda:

What the boycott of McDonald’s IS about

It is about McDonald’s, as a corporation, refusing to remain neutral in the culture wars. McDonald’s has chosen not to remain neutral but to give the full weight of their corporation to promoting the homosexual agenda, including homosexual marriage.

AFA is upset at McDonald’s for refusing to condemn Vice President of Communications Richard Ellis’s decision to serve on the Board of Directors of the National Gay & Lesbian Chamber of Commerce (NGLCC). AFA President Donald Wildmon said the situation is “strange” because “it’s the family that McDonald’s appeals to — children’s playland, you know, all the little toys, all of that. And they are promoting a lifestyle that would utterly destroy the traditional family.”

So far, McDonald’s is holding strong, writing a letter to Wildmon on May 29 and rebuffing his attacks:

We treat our employees and our customers with respect and dignity, regardless of their ethnicity, religious beliefs, sexual orientation or other factors. We support our employees’ personal involvement in organizations of their choice.

Although AFA tries to make clear that it is NOT protesting McDonald’s “hiring homosexuals” or “homosexuals eating at McDonald’s,” as Good As You notes, “Whether it’s a direct attack on gay customer or employees or an attack on particular employees role in a pro-gay capacity, this situation is still about the company supporting diversity (something the AFA resists at every turn).”

AFA has a long history of silly, offensive boycotts against, among others, Wal-Mart (for selling “Brokeback Mountain” DVDs), Ford Motor Company (for advertising in gay-friendly publications), and the American Girl dolls (because the maker contributed to a youth organization that was pro-choice and supported the acceptance of lesbians). In 2005, it called off its unsuccessful nine-year boycott of Disney (for its “embrace of the homosexual lifestyle“).

McDonald’s should follow Disney’s lead and ignore the right-wing protests. After all, during the nine years AFA was boycotting Disney, the company saw record profits.

Digg It! (by Amanda-http://thinkprogress.org/2008/07/03/mcdonalds-boycott/)

Gay Marriage News for New York

2008-06-23T21:33:00.000-04:00

Court's Gay Marriage Ruling Will Test Paterson's Policy
New York State Politics
By JOSEPH GOLDSTEIN, Staff Reporter of the Sun
June 23, 2008

The issue of gay marriage in New York is returning to court today, with a panel of appellate judges in Brooklyn scheduled to hear arguments on whether the state must recognize same-sex marriages performed elsewhere.

New York State currently does not permit gay couples to marry but has, for the most part, recognized unions that have been performed out of state. Just last month, Governor Paterson took steps to ensure that all state agencies recognized gay marriages performed elsewhere.

But whether the Legislature or the courts will allow Mr. Paterson to set the policy on this issue remains to be seen.

The case being heard today, Godfrey v. Spano, will consider whether recognition of same-sex marriages first requires approval from the Legislature. So far the Legislature hasn't passed any laws relating to gay marriage.

Whatever decision the Brooklyn appeals court reaches in the Godfrey case is sure to be quickly appealed to the state's highest court, the Court of Appeals.

The lawsuit, which is being litigated by a Christian legal group based in Arizona, predates Mr. Paterson's pronouncement. It is a challenge to a similar marriage recognition policy by the Westchester county executive, Andrew Spano. The suit, filed in 2006, is brought in the name of four Westchester county residents who say the policy brings "injury and mischief" to local taxpayers because it will extend spousal benefits to the spouses of gay county employees who entered into same-sex marriages out of state.

Massachusetts and California are the only two states that perform gay marriages. Canada also conducts such marriages.

New York State has long recognized out-of-state marriages between men and women who are not eligible for marriage in this state. In one oft-cited precedent, the state recognized a Rhode Island marriage of an uncle and niece. The main legal question before the court is whether that principle applies to same-sex unions.

The case may well turn on how the court defines marriage.

A lawyer for the Arizona group, the Alliance Defense Fund, argues in an appellate brief that this marriage recognition rule "does not apply to same-sex unions, regardless of whether they are labeled a 'marriage,' because a same-sex union, by definition, does not qualify as a marriage." In support, the group's lawyer, Brian Raum, quotes from several dictionary definitions of the word "marriage," including one popular in the 1700s.

A gay rights organization, Lambda Legal, which represents a gay married couple from Westchester in the case, argues that the marriage-recognition principle must extend to gay marriages.

"This action should be recognized for what it is — a bald maneuver to impair the rights of lesbian and gay New Yorkers by ideologically motivated plaintiffs and counsel who cannot countenance that government officials are applying New York law evenhandedly to these residents," a Lambda Legal lawyer, Susan Sommer, argued in an appellate brief.

The Alliance Defense Fund recently filed a similar suit challenging Mr. Paterson's marriage-recognition policy. The group dates back to 1994 and was founded by prominent evangelical Christians, including the evangelists William Bright, D. James Kennedy, and the president of Focus on the Family, James Dobson.

2008-06-22T08:31:00.000-04:00

Scolding me on Facebook that I can't keep up to my end of the bargain in BLOGland... well I NEVER! (whispering the last few words while looking up in my "nini" way, hurt and embarrassed).

You know how my MIND works by now, either the voices are all in order with one thought leading the way OR they come quickly scattered with A.D.H.D symptoms.

Chew on this pic for awhile! I JUST know my poetry leaves you perplexed & alone with many questions. LMBBAOA!

Dude, I was thinking about the time that I had the "lunch box" book(remember 'Nember the pink book with the oral sex "how tos" that Tom got woozy from and had to retreat to the bedroom???). Remember 'Nember on "MY Space" I was like if you listen to Rick Springfield "Jesses Girl" their will be answers... please tell me you remember that funny ass moment where YOU actually believed that by playing "Jesse's Girl" record backwards (like a cult member)you would hear the answers to pleasure a woman.

'Nuff said~ my face says it all! Switches, me love you the longest of the longest time!

Eyes of a Child

2008-06-11T09:57:00.000-04:00

It's 9:30 AM. He has been transported successfully to his destination, school. All is well in the Shlape household.
In this moment, I may find Zen. An hour ago I was serenity challenged. There were temper tantrums and tears (and that was just from the "Big Mama")and ring side seats for"five year old vs wreck of the week mama" battling.

It seems my voice does NOT intimidate him anymore. I pulled out my bag of "Mama" warfare and he challenged me until I surrendered.

My only question to him, while in our calm state, what happens? I want to be able to understand through the eyes of MY child how he can disappear into another world while presently walking through his day with ten tasks to go.
He has a goal, I turn around and he IS OFF running naked throughout freshly vacuumed rooms with plastic kitchen toy knives as his "karate" sticks. I prompt more than necessary for a 5 year old who has been doing this ALL YEAR LONG. Hollering ensues.

I wish I could not panic over deadlines. I long to be the mother who balances the world with one hand while defying school rules, BECAUSE she IS "SUPERDUPERDELICIOUS MOM" who has no time for piddly nonsense due to the fact she is fighting Global Warming/Healing the sick in her family/volunteering at the local soup kitchen ALL while working a FULL TIME job and putting a five course meal on the table by 5.

I worry. I fear the... duh.. duh... duh... LATE sign in BOOK. It is a book of failure. I hang my head low and sign him in. If I can't get my five year old "Red Devil" to school on time how will I EVER be successful enough to be a GUEST star on OPRAH? I admit for a few months I put some creative flair to my late book signing excuses: laundry piling up and son with fashion issues, needed chemicals to live (asthma attack), loves to sleep/hates to listen... After awhile I call my partner, again with my head hung low, and admit defeat "I signed the book again!" She knows my issues about the book. My need to be: “Practically Perfect Poppins”.

Today, I signed the book. Actually yesterday I signed it, too. My excuse: LATE. Do I really care at this point? 10+ more days of school and we have to worry about where we will place the BOY for summer camp. It's on my SANTA (means long mother hellion) LIST. My partner always says, "I guarantee that by the time he goes to college this will not matter."

This morning my son and I connected once again on the way to school. We talked about pacts broken and new finger promises to start fresh. I still long to know what goes on inside that five year old. Where he goes when the world is still moving?

In the end, I am jealous. I wish to be five again to live through the eyes of a child. They fight and make up with no grudges held. They have little worries of the future and live in a second to second time frame. They struggle to remember the past. It’s as if it has been “Etch-A-Sketch” from their cranium. Today does not have to play Peek-A-Boo with them because they are lost in yesterday. Today is their companion.
If I can JUST be happy in the moment and not fret over small things I will see things through the eyes of a child.
'Nuff said! Peace out peeps!

2008-05-27T08:13:00.000-04:00

You can't, you won't... you're just not going to get me uplifted this morning.
I have no positive point to make. I am grouchy. I am stewing in my own "Oh Woa is me" moments. Lack of sleep? I don't know. Robin decided last night to do what she does best, buy the generic of a product that MAY have needed more than a KING Kullen special. Hmm.. I let her go with it. I didn't make waves when she skipped up to the counter saving 2.00 bucks. But at 12 PM and then 3 PM I could not take it anymore. She snores! She snores like God bowls in a thunderstorm. I wake her and she says, "why did you wake me?". What a silly question. Why wouldn't I wake you? Would it be fair that I have to listen to the Earth collapsing every time your in R.E.M state? Just call me Maggie Mood Swings, she does. Although I like to think of her asMolly McSelfish. Today, I am not in a loving place with her. She will blame me. I will accept it.
Currently I will be late for work since I am focusing on blogging before career.
Although I am not exactly sure where I am supposed to be today. Once I can ask that internal question and get a response, I will gladly run accordingly to the goal line.
I think I am most cranky that I have to go to work today. There will be stress, lots of it. I will practice finding my BUDDHA from within.
Peace!

Running with Thoughts

2008-05-19T10:04:00.000-04:00

I don't just "run with scissors".
I run with thoughts while running with scissors and multi tasking my world.

When I am open to suggestions I see how easily and effortlessly I can self destruct. IF all the inspirational elites have sent their email newsletters to my mailboxes AND I ACTUALLY open/read them I am crawling toward the Surrender start line. IF I end my day with minimal OLD way thinking I am proud to say I have reached the Freedom finish line.
Unfortunately, MOST DAYS I am stuck half stalled AT MY start line CALLED"Sanity challenged with a stubborn streak".

My partner and I are NOW proud new members of Long Island Community Fellowship (www.LICF.net). For a few years, Robin and I searched through various spiritual movements JUST to find our NOW spiritual HOME. Robin likes to say, "I found a place to hang my spiritual hat". The first time we ventured to LICF in Bayshore we did a "drive by", we drove by, parked for a second, scoped out the place and then drove by again to the highway. The second time was Christmas morning. There were only two families since everyone came the night before, but we loved the message from the sermon. It felt like I needed that spiritual jump start. They didn't think we were going to be back. PRESENTLY, Robin and I attend faithfully every Sunday. WE ATTEND SOCIAL EVENTS,MEETINGS, VOLUNTEER AND Robin is also on the "Angels" Softball team. If I don't go (we had a MS Walk at Jones Beach one Sunday) I feel a part of me is missing. It is like family dinner on Sundays (not that I want to COMPARE OR relate my BLOOD family who has left me in the dust since I made a lifestyle change with my VERY accepting AND LOVING LICF family but you get it).

Yesterday Pastor Shane's sermon was "The Last Word". He talked about people desiring to have the last word in arguments.
I can relate, I am the last word girl in my relationship even if I have to leave the room and still talk about it OUT LOUD for my dogs, myself or the UNIVERSE. This is one of my dirty habits. It is my Ego's gifts and my PRESENT poison. IF I want to stay in this moment and lead a full filling life I have to get rid of my habits. Whoa! Tough work ahead of me.
Controlling, Obsessive thinking, negative nelly ranting and criticising are some of shameful character defects. The last word is my control tactic.

When I am ON, I see rainbows and everyone holding hands while skipping through the park.
When I am OFF, I see people pushing little old ladies into mud puddles.

Listening to Oprah on XM one fine bumper to bumper traffic day on the Island, Rabbi Shmulley's topic gave me the "ah ha" CLARITY moment. We are a nation of second to second fill me up with shopping splurges and thrill seeking affairs. WE max out credit cards and ruin relationships to seek fulfillment with our inner emptiness. What we forget is that the shopping spree ends with a bang after you get the bill and the fun filled tryst in the back seat of your lovers car fills you with more disgust and emptiness than when you started the addictions.
We lack "purpose" We are a nation of bored/empty lost souls with the only agenda being, THE QUICK FIX!

Pastor Shane at LICF talked about "The Last Word" not just being who can argue the longest, BUT if we KNEW our life would end tomorrow what would be our last words, our last thoughts, our last actions. Would we care about the worries, the complaints, the resentments, the control???? HELL no! WE would live, love and laugh till it was over.

Today, I KNOW that I USED TO live in my head because it handicaped me from finding purpose. I loveD the last word, because it kept me in a trick state of "well I am to busy to find purpose and live with passion, don't you see I am living everyone else's life, WHATEVER!" If I was to know my day would be coming I don't think the people that bother me would even be in my thought process anymore.

I GET IT! Maybe I "got it" before but in this moment I GET IT NOW, AGAIN! How grateful am I to be able to do it all over again with a blank slate? VERY!

My goal today: TO FIND MY purpose (first research what true purpose means)
To live in the NOW and stay out of my F^&*ing HEAD! 'nuff said!

If you need to CHAT I will be sitting in one of the rainbow chairs getting ready for the race of my life!
PEACE

Everything is Magic!

2008-04-15T07:10:00.001-04:00

As I traveled to pick up my son from our agreed upon location (1/2 mid point) on Sunday thoughts jumped around in my head. At first, I was disgruntled. I like listening to Oprah when Oprah is alive with positive self help gurus like Dr. Robin, Marianne Williamson and Eckhart Tolle. At this particular moment, it was centered around clutter/cleaning. Now I KNOW I can definitely benefit from listening to the helpful hints but I longed for the inspiration, the show that would call to my life. I guess it wasn't the right moment. The universe/God was calling me to reflect/meditate without steering off the road!

I remember starting this blog. It began as a healthy outlet to vent my frustrations with everyday family life. AT points, even in the midst of the quarrel/strife I wrote with humor. Thankfully, that type of creative "therapy" helped me hurdle over the difficult times. Soon my friends and family were reading it often times "hounding" me for more. I told them, "I'm not a machine. Words come when they are ready!"

Last May, I fell into what seemed like an abyss. I was slapped with court paperwork, right at my doorstep, and I lost my breath for a brief moment. I had to do much growing in spirit and mind. Amazingly, (it's a God thing I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND) a woman from my old neck of the woods responded to one of my blogs. It was a period in my life where I felt the pity party should be centered on my sorrow; I had the wrong judge, lawyer... well life! I wrote about my misfortune, my son's misfortune-
Oh- WO is me! She wrote me a quick comment to email her. And so my life was re directed. This woman, although we don't exchange emails or correspondence anymore, was my "REASON". She gave me guidance since her life path mirrored mine. She went through the same court situation back in the 90's which was a tougher crowd for gay relationships/child custody/father's rights/dissolution of the hetero marriage....
She had my judge, she knew his work. She passed on a number. Magic happened!

The process took close to a year, I had to dig deep to find my strength many times. If it wasn't for my friends, family and MOST OF ALL my faith in GOD I would have hit bottom without getting up. Today I am blessed! The order has been signed. We are moving on. My life, although bumpy at times, is where God intended for me to be.

Sometimes I revert back to the "why me's?" pity party mind set. It is easy to find drama.
Most people want to just talk about their problems. They think their life is filled with more messes than yours. If you listen... really listen like Elmer Fudd hunting rabbits you will hear the familiar theme underneath the thick surface. IF you pull back the layers of the human condition there is a longing/needing just to be HEARD. People don't care if anyone is listening. They just want to use their voice. Maybe most people have been silent to long and now feel compelled to talk, be right, argue bullshit, shoot the breeze, control with vocal chords, speak their "rightness", cry their pity party... and the world moves with egos leading the way.

Yesterday, I went to a wake. He was ONLY 26 years old. I didn't know him well. I met him on a several occasions while he was dying. The doctors gave him "deadlines" for death. He reminded me of a gentle giant. I have been through tough times in my life. And I always managed to see people's true colors in the face of it. They look drawn, speak negative thoughts, cry of the injustices of their situation EXCEPT with him. What I can remember about our brief moments together at random events/parties he was selfless, thoughtful, empathetic, easy going, happy and "inspirational". Inspirational because even in my healthiest of moments the ugly ego of me can rear it's ugly head. I want to be right, I crave to be understood, I desire to be loved but most of all I want to control life. This is something I am learning to master, getting my ego out of the way so I can find the awakening! Once you are in the present there is a calm/peace, you are aware of others egos and it doesn't bother you. This is yet another situation that God intended for me. He was my "Reason".

My partner's youngest child can irritate me easily due to her ungrateful attitude and her constant negativity; usually I listen to her whine and throw countless pity parties throughout the day. Sometimes I argue with her because I want to inspire her/switch her method of thinking but her ‘ah-ha’ moment does not come. Usually she melts down from her own selfishness until you just can’t take the toxic vibes or she deflects and argues about all my faults. It is a match where there are only losers.
Today, I need to let go and just remember what he taught me. He taught me life is too short to worry about the petty bulls**t. I can’t change her. I can’t control her to laugh and just BE, be happy, be grateful, be positive, be alive, be selfless, be responsible, be love to all, be the change you wish to see in this world. All I can do is BE.

This morning I woke up to Tim McGraw's song in my head. NOW I am not a country bumpkin nor do I like the redneck way of life, but I heard the song a few days ago and it is fitting to the situation. "LIVE like YOU WERE DYING!" Shouldn't we all wake up with a grateful heart, positive steps and a song in our heart? Wouldn't it be grand if we could all just live like we were dying, think about turning the other cheek when someone wrongs us because we just don’t' have time to worry about being right?

To live with an ego mindset is a form of suffering. I don't want to suffer. I want to live like "E" did. He lived like he WAS dying feeling the MAGIC of every moment! So when you are complaining.. Complaining... can't stand you’re cramped up shoes or you just have the blues think about being grateful for your breath! It is a gift! So simple but yet we forget about that miracle everyday!
To me, in this moment, everything is magic!

A Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or
a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you
will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is
usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have
come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you
with guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a
godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason
you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an
inconvenient time, this person will say or do something
to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our
desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you
sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON . . .
Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount
of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things
you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional
foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the
person, and put what you have learned to use in all
other relationships and areas of your life. It is said
that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Author Unknown

Every single creature is full of God and is a book about God.
Meister Eckhart

say what?

2008-02-21T09:21:00.000-05:00

Things I am learning

I am on hyper mode in the thinking department. These are some of my thoughts:

* Never.. and I MEAN NEVER... respond to your life partner in THIS way while out at a business networking event. "Honey, Are you ready to go?" (ME)"Yes, we're ready to go?" My colleagues and group attendees stare with puzzled expression. (ME) "Oh she knows the committee members are ready, too" (as I touch my head with my two hands and wait for the laughter) - crickets soon follow! Do you think there will be referrals?

* If you have all or nothing tendencies it is BEST not to go on line renting and requesting at the local library. (FYI: I have about 7 books in my possession and 2 more as I type on hold waiting for me at my library branch).

* Even Martha Stewart can't help me with my Composting Challenges. I am a composting drop out three years running. I claim "THIS WILL BE THE YEAR", but with my coffee grinds in one plastic bin and newspapers and cardboard scraps in another I might buckle and buy compost at the local nursery.

* I can't take on a whole yard of crab grass, but I will arm myself with a box of garbage bags to stop the weed growth and pebbles to cover the problems. This is the year I will find that damn green thumb everyone keeps talking about!

* Why does "a safe place" have to slip from your memory bank when looking for that important object in the F*%#@ "safe place" at the LAST MINUTE?

* I can have a temper tantrum like a five year old while looking for THAT important object in the F*%#@ "safe place"!!

* Saying "I am wrong and you're right about that" is one of most difficult sentences to spit out when YOU BELIEVE you are ALWAYS right about "that"!

* Saying "I'm sorry that I__________" is the second hardest sentence to say when you ARE a STRONG WILLED POLLACK (like me).

* Therapy can be more than just a weekly co payment if you use it correctly (much props to my therapist who was dealt the lucky hand to deal with an hour of moi every week).

* Challenges don't make you stronger IT'S the Ass____ that keep popping up IN your challenges that make you one tough bitch!

* A month of "Zen"/gratitude and positive affirmations can all {POOF} VANISH with a five second phone call with your ex or ANY other annoying person that seem to keep jumping into your car of life.

* Boundaries and building walls ARE TWO VERY different things, which I am learning in therapy. Although building walls is often necessary when dealing with ex's, ass_______ or any person that you have to associate with that make you want to "build a freaking wall" in the first place.

Things I am learning about myself:

Even though I am not a "people person" when duty calls, and I am needed to fill in the role, I CAN be the greatest gay MC EVEN IF I am just as confused as the contestants on the panel (it's a "LGBT Newlywed Game" thing you probably won't understand).

I will always argue my point (my partner thinks I missed my calling as a lawyer)even if I have to take that dead horse, give him CPR to bring him/her back to life and then beat the dead horse ALL OVER again (it's a freaking figure of speech people).

I can use many tactics of self sabotage, and "I'll never tell" (in that scary movie voice) but it DOES involve me beating a dead horse, silent scorn and.... (fill in the blank if you think you can)

AND THE BIGGEST THINGS OF ALL THAT I AM LEARNING: Birth Control a one less cup of coffee makes me one sarcastic sista'

much self love, inner peace and LAUGHTER makes the world go round and round!

Disclaimer: Must Kiegel before watching this ....

2008-02-09T15:39:00.000-05:00

.....But only if you have poor vaginal muscles.
I found this from someone else's site.
Holy Hellion Batgirl, thankfully I have been blessed with excellent V.muscles!
BE prepared to laugh!

Mood swings

2008-02-04T16:33:00.000-05:00

Today is not the day to blog, because ... well hmmm.. well dealing with my hurt/angry feelings due to other people's perceptions of me and scenarios that I have stumbled into- (quick recap: it sucks to be a future step parent in a blended lesbian stepfamily sometimes. Detachment is my goal.).

May you all realize that no ONE can love you the right way IF you don't love yourself first.
Hoping everyone finds inner peace, authentic self love and the ability to laugh off what others think of you!

Senior moments

2008-01-30T09:37:00.000-05:00

Does anyone get "brain farts" at 34? Those times when you forget what is in the oven even when you prepared a delicious tuna casserole for the last hour? The days when you forgot why you entered THAT room and you just spin around until the person or thing comes into visible view?
I am having these moments by the truckload. I am blaming it on my just starting out on the birth control pill days(it's a hormones/acne thing you might not understand). AT least I can laugh about it. I am not in sensitive- ready- for- attack/fantasy mode, I am still in reality.
I don't want to panic just yet, if there were 'OTHERS' wouldn't I NOT know about them (talking about the MPD disorder)? I seem to remember where my ego is at all times, it usually is the one screaming "I'm right about that!" or "I don't like this feeling of uncomfortable let me build a wall". I think I am safe with that DSMR personality trait, I am just having the usual "senior moments".
What I wish for today:
* I wish Tinkerbell could ring her bell and all the physical mess in my house would be cleaned up instantaneously.
* I wish my partner would get "balls" and find her voice (excluding me).
* I wish that everyone remembers their purpose today even if it IS JUST entering a room and knowing why they went into it.

Things I will work on ....

2008-01-28T12:29:00.001-05:00

Can you believe it is January 28, 2008?!
Reality check: (*Sigh*)I am just not consistent in blog land.
Honestly, I lack follow through with 75% of my personal life (ie: scrap booking, journal writing, painting, organizing ...), so it did not suprise me that I would have the same philosophy with blogging. I am like a borderline (BPD) patient with my all- or- nothing approach to writing on the WWW. My email activity and constant Internet "research" leaves me booked up for weeks at a time.
When I frequent the blog rooms, I notice my character defect: Principle of Balance challenged with a jabber jaw. I don't stop chatting even in BLOGLAND. I admire the bloggers with the two sentence blurbs. I want to be just like them. But with this blog going over the 4 sentence marker, I can only fantasize of how my life would be like if I JUST STOPPED THINKING AND TALKING (looking up in fantasy mode). I COULD HAVE BEEN A CONTENDER OR on my way to becoming a Buddha teacher. Whatever! This is me: the good, the bad and the chatty patty ME.
I want to have a point, I want to teach a lesson.... these are my mission statements and when I have no life lesson to poke fun at, I fall back into my usual writer's slump. Or I get the "ah ha" writing moments while I am stuck on the Grand Central going to meet my ex (blending my life for the child custody schedule). Time can be very inappropriate. My genius comes out when I am in the shower or running into the car while balancing my life in one hand and directing a five year old with typical listening issues to follow my pointer finger and voice to the car and not the road.. not the grass.. noo noooooooo not the patch of dirt with the bed of dead flowers. I can never just "get it" while I am sitting dormant with a pen/paper or laptop available, and by the time I can sit and reflect I lost the punch line.

My goal today: To realize that I am not in a teacher's position. Hell, I can't even manage to teach myself how to parallel park (work through the fear Jeannine work through the fear). I am not Buddhist nun and have no Wayne Dyer spirit moving through my system giving me the right to blog with a "purpose". I am little 'ol me living the usual blended lesbian step family life. I am focusing on spiritual and emotional growth- cleaning up "my side of the street" today.
I am scratching my skin wanting so desperately to have a point to this story, but I won't make one! No, I will keep this in fragmented Pollack form.
I can do it!
One .. two ... buckle .. my shoe .. three .. four .. shut the door(as I make silly noises with finger and bottom lip).
How you like me now?
to the peeps that know me and still hang out with me anyway:
much self love, inner peace and authentic happiness

see pic below- my hero

Enter Me

2008-01-09T09:51:00.000-05:00

Did it happen? I was asleep. No seriously I was asleep for the first time in my 34 years, I fell asleep BEFORE the ball dropped. My New Year's was awesome (any time I am with my family and my boy it's an event for my memory box), but I am no spring chicken. I know all you 40 something people out there will say, "What? a 30 year old complaining?" It's true, age is but a number and it's all in the attitude, but my bedtime says 9 PM. Currently my 92 year old grandmother can beat me at an "up all night" marathon. However, in my defense my grandmother ALSO puts the phone off the hook and sleeps until late in the afternoon. I, however, have to deal with constant insomnia battles (waking up around 2 AM and staying alert until almost 4 AM). I tried the tricks, the multiplication tables, fantasy of naked women jumping over fences ... which usually leads me to stress about money from the number counting and home repairs thinking about fences. Also, I have an obese Cocker Spaniel that is distracted by scents and is ready to eat once my partner starts moving for a better position.
So on New Year's it was the same scenario, although I promised myself I would NOT fall asleep just rest my burning eyes on my son's pillow. We both fell asleep to Sponge Bob on Nick. I awoke to the Cocker sniffing my breath and a heavy duty knot in my shoulder blade from sleeping on a very tiny twin with a child who has issues with keeping his hands and feet still throughout the night (I thought Roy Jones Jr TKO'd me).

Ahhhh so it happened, the New Year rang in with bells and whistles and a sinus infection for both me and YES MY partner. I have to mention her or she gets very upset that I don't INCLUDE HER when talking about my illness issues-it's a CODA thing you wouldn't understand.

Well I did have a life in December, although I did not record it. There was laughter, heartache and an overweight man (not Santa Claus) who wreaked havoc on my emotional state for awhile. But I think we learned something valuable... hmmm.. nope not yet but I will get back to you on it. What did I do? Let's see, I painted a room which had already been painted two times prior. I didn't like the colors. Us creative spirits need constant color changes. However, I forgot how time consuming it is to paint. Half the room is done. I figure I'll get it around to it. Right! I painted my office stairs (Woo Hoo goal finally accomplished). They had been primed white for about a year or two. One day, I said "Enough!" and ran down to the local paint store for a rich brown color.

Today as I look around the house, I realize I have become a housecleaning drop out. Rooms that smelt of a medley of organic cleaners now stink like the wet dog who got a bath this morning. Floors that used to brag "eat off me" now say "Caution: protect your feet"! Between the court, mediation and the family sick states my mommy talents need fine tuning. I have lost the skills of goal orientation and multi tasking. I used to be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound while applying my makeup. I think I need a vacation. The last time my white DUPA (yes I am half POLISH people) saw a "vacation", I had to Zen myself for a week stay at my parents in a retirement community in Delray Beach, FL with four children. It was my "job" to keep them happy and clean from my mother's OCD neurotic cleaning mindset. I took many bathroom trips that vacation where I was able to fall to the floor and visualize "what would Buddha do?". The plane ride was an interesting journey, too. It's not easy dealing with a four year old who wants to play musical chairs in a plane while a 7 year old nephew had an obsession with the plane's bathroom. At least the girl's were busy watching the movies on their TV's. NO, when I say "VACATION", I mean me and my lesbian luvvaaaa frolicking naked (hmm I seem to have many naked fantasies) on a deserted beach or somewhere in a gay friendly area, while singing a very badly versed version of "I wanna come over" while falling down in a sexy embrace and "loofah'ing" our porcelain "dupa's" on white sand. I need a vacation just from thinking of that scenario!

So enter ME this morning. My son jumps into my arms from his sleepy slumber. I feel the mommy love. I am all about it. I forget about the stubborn knot still housed in my right shoulder blade. I turn a blind eye to the wet Wheaten tracking wet paws throughout the house. I am in the mommy zone.
Then he breaks the news to me, and might I say NOT GENTLY.
"I want to take the bus!"
What? Nope didn't hear it correctly, my dependent five year old is now an independent traveler. I say "are you sure? Because if you don't take the bus you can watch some morning shows!" Yes people I will stop at nothing. I know... I know.. but sometimes a parent MUST use their college degrees and dammit I am a psych major! The usual TV marketing/manipulation never graduated to blue print stage. HE was off and running jumping out of pajamas and yelling for me to help find some outfits.
Gone are the days where my son looks at me and says, "Mommy I love when you take me to school and pick me up." Now he is a "big boy" with big boy plans. He's five years old and already flat lining his good ol' mom. I can see the teen years but FIVEeeeee (breaking into a whisper). Then when all hope was lost an angel flew in. He came into the kitchen and said "you can pick me up from school"
I don't mind the scraps.
Remember:

“Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.”

Well I promise I won't let another month go by without my usual lengthy life moments caught in blog land!

Practice makes perfect

2007-11-13T07:10:00.000-05:00

Did you read below?
Since I have been involved in a painful court process for custody of my child for the last 6 months I feel the need to carry around and memorize while practicing "letting go" to the best of my ability. Yesterday as I emailed my regular positive "uplifters" to selected email buddies I scanned through my address book and saw my life journey. My email address book saves all email entries, it was an eyeopener. As each one I scanned I remembered just where I had been and how I felt at that moment. Documents and emails sent to my partner's ex regarding numerous school and FYI documents about her children (many times it was a sense of urgency when it had to do with the 'out of control' teen living under her roof). Then there were customer service numbers from various companies, whether giving me an ounce of trouble or a moment to just say thanks for the great service.
And as I scrolled, I saw the journey I had taken with my custody case to past teacher's my son had previously gone to requested by the judge to probation officers for last minute discussions either defending my name or adding "just one more thought" to the "the reason he shouldn't have school days" list. And I realized that THIS is an awesome example of letting go. I have court on Thursday.
My soon to be ex stirs in his bitter brew and parents my child through trickery and bribes, because he just can't let go. He wants to win at all costs to hurt me without even taking into consideration that there will be a wounded child left to pick up his own pieces. I am tired of fighting with the insanity of court, ex and court workers for my child's "BEST" interest. The proof is in the paperwork.
Whether they can see it or NOT cannot be my job or journey.
I MUST let go.
Two more days until we go back and I can fret about "what will the law guardian say?" or "how will it all pan out?" But in the end I must move out of the way and just let God be.
My biggest issue lies within my need to control all. I want to move the players to where I think they should be so it will make the journey more comfortable, and it also allows me to stay focused on THEM and not me. I stay stuck living in fantasy mode not following my dreams or accomplishing goals, because my FULL time job is controlling the situation/people.
Today I am going to re-read and find comfort in just letting go.
Knowing that my son will have his own journey, because God made him for that very reason.
I know it all sounds good on paper, it is a bitch to actually work it and follow through. But as I move to the next minute I can only get wiser in the realization that it just wasn't working my old way, and now it's time to let go.
Letting go does not mean not to care. Letting go does not mean to abandon.
Letting go, for me, is to stop the worrying, fretting and fearful thoughts that consume me. Letting go means moving the safety net, trusting in faith and just jumping in with arms wide open to the possibilities (which are endless)- CALLED life!

L-living
I-in
F-Faith
E-effortlessly

Feel free to choose your own LIFE message here: ____________________

SHE LET GO

2007-11-13T07:05:00.000-05:00

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the 'right' reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn't ask anyone for advice. She didn't read a book on how to let go... She didn't search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn't promise to let go. She didn't journal about it. She didn't write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn't check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.

She didn't analyze whether she should let go. She didn't call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn't do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn't call the prayer line. She didn't utter one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn't good and it wasn't bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.
~ Ernest Holmes~

Warning... this is just another bitch post If you can't handle reality please SKIP to the VERY END

2007-11-04T06:09:00.000-05:00

Time is always moving me in directions, this morning it wasn't a pleasant one.
Most days I wake up feeling just like "Phil Connors" (Bill Murray) from "Groundhog Day". It's the same time and same place, my partner moves and the dog's scurry with clawed nails sounding like chalk hitting board they run back and forth .. back and forth... back and freaking forth until their OWNER/mother finally wakes up. But the sad and most depressing thing of all is that they NEVER let us sleep in on the weekends it is the SAME time every single day - starting at 5 AM the claws hit cherry wood floors, starting at 5 AM my life screams "there's gotta' be something better than this?" I am all about learning to be grateful but then there is the lesson on "why settle?" and "learn to love your life but don't just live like a pig in shit 101". I want to love this life, but these rooms breathe memories that I can never join. These dogs will always wake us up at the same time every day (partly because the Cocker has a sick eating issue and wants to start her day sniffing and searching for the food that falls from mouth and fingers). And I still haven't been able to witness more chubby toes learning to walk finding dog tails are a fun playtime (another empty promise marketing trick).
She has all these plans for us, for us to emotionally detox the negativity from our lives. It could work if I was into mystical medicines and chanting, BUT I am not! Instead I want to see improvement by selling the old, giving away the headaches of yesterday and starting fresh, she says it's what she wants but I have seen her when she is in "jibber jabber" mode. The house, it is one of the main sore spots of our relationship, she had fought for from her past. I am not sure what makes people fight when they leave spoiled relationships, maybe it is a chance to hold onto the last bit of memories. But it is that one thing that you hold onto so dearly that will keep kicking you in the face in your present. It is OK for her to live in this house where she ate with her ex, partied with her ex and fought with her ex but it is NOT OK with me. I can't tell you how many coats of paint that I have laid onto stained walls to hide my fears, to cover my issues. But it is the covering, the hiding that leaves me more troubled; because I can change a color, I can move a piece of furniture, but it is what it is and that is IT will never be my house and it will NEVER ever ever be OUR HOUSE. It is the house of "stuck". And her ex walks through new house with new memories, and I am more envious than a middle class teen wanting the high priced "labeled" wardrobe of her popular enemy. She bought her out of this mind trap with a 75,000 payoff to wipe her hands clean and start all over again. My partner thinking she got the better end of the stick is now seeing karma is a funny mother: house is broken down, a kid stays pissed and resentful, present relationship stays in a negative rut and our neighbors are chatty CATTY Cathy's. In my divorce I am letting him keep everything ... why hold onto toxic thoughts and past possessions?
So I can't really find a funny in this moment, it's not possible. She claims that she has goals but I know those goals are a gimmick to calm my storms for just "two more years". It seems perfect if I wasn't so perceptive, but I know better.
So this morning, it is the usual, dogs are up and running and she is like herself in every situation, which is she bends down and takes it up the "hoo hoo" to accommodate... to accommodate and facilitate for dogs, ex and other manipulators (you know who you are). And so this is my prison... my groundhog day.
What I think I learned this morning: God really wants me to start my life!

Let's see I have to find a grateful:
I will see the boy today, hurray!
I am alone.. alone... yes alone, in a room while dogs and partner are away downstairs.
I can sip my coffee and surf the net because I have no set plans this lazy Sunday morning.

MY Goals:
finish an article I had been writing
get myself ready to be "knocked up" even if it means I am one of the positive single mother pregnancies in the United States
make my own money and spend it on a cute little cottage (just enough for just a few dust balls and Irish lace)- less is better... less is always better!

Ahhhh it is Sunday and I still have my day to live- what about yours?
I don't know about you but I am ready to make some magic happen! So what if I rolled off onto the WRONG side of the bed this morning! Life begins again and again as each breath we take.... that's the miracle of life, it is the gift we are given; the present!
So I am here to sprinkle a little fairy dust on y'all and to say JUST BEGIN again, no matter what you might have said, did or acted like in that one grouchy/mean past scene- you got the gift; the present! JUST DO IT!

Does it have to be?

2007-10-28T06:24:00.000-04:00

Today is my son's birthday party, and although I did NOT get him for his actual birthday I am still grateful for this day.
What I am having a hard time dealing with is my need to control others. I can't make the ME of me stop stressing over how the house looks when there will be people stopping by for cake so why should I try to control selfish people who sit on a couch with hands down there pants flipping through random channels on TV?
It's not to much to ask to know that I stress and battle with my inner sense of self when visitors will be coming. I can feel it coming on days before the actual event.
I panic over "tumbleweeds" (dust balls and dog hair) escaping from the vacuum cleaners path, I fret over ebony dog hair all over white molding (can others see what I see?). It is a sickness brought on by years of modeling an OCD mother with a career as a registered nurse.
So here is goes.... I am upset over a silly yet ongoing issue in regards to her and some boundary setting, which pushes me into a state of "I have to put up walls" mode.
So suffering from stomach aches and just sheer laziness from a rainy Saturday I finally got my energy to begin what I like to call "this is me and just freaking deal with it" mode. So I am cleaning walls and moving objects that possibly did not need to be moved, but I could not talk to my inner child when I am in this state.
So she asks me (mind you this is when I am STILL in "I have to put up my walls" mode), "honey do you need any help?" Are you freaking kidding me, is the Vatican a shady money making business? HELL yes! I need some type of help, but instead I can't show that I am HELPLESS! That would mean that I can't keep the Superhero gear, and I am all about masks and costumes. So I spit out, "forget it, NO!" What I mean is "Yes, can't you see I am running like a chicken without a head and I am panicking because I don't like to socialize or let others see this faulty broken down house." But those words never reach my lips. Instead it is all about anger.. push away! I "hate you" mode... push away. Until I am moving last summer (finally) air conditioners out of rooms and attempting to move around furniture's in the boy's room.
I am spent and so I walk with my head held high into the kitchen proving that I, Jeannine, do NOT need anyone (please help me!).
And what do my resentful eyes see:

Yes a sink full of dirty dishes and an overflowing garbage... hmmm! Ok I can see you not wanting to scrub bathroom toilet but C'MON give a girl a break! Couldn't you at LEAST see that this is NOT PLAYING fair????? I mean to her SHE USES the excuse well I ASKED so it's ok to just sit there, right? No, she knows I am prideful and stubborn just as well as I know that she is always broken/sick and in fear of finances, does that mean I am going to talk about her fears over money - HELL NO, I am going to ignore that part of her and attempt to work on figuring out things to make us comfortable (together). I don't like doing the bills, in fact I am down right fearful of money and bills but I do them because her fears are bigger than mine. It is what I do to make her day run just a little smoother. Couldn't she have at least picked up a freaking pot and moved it to the dishwasher without me asking?
After seeing the disaster in the kitchen it pushed me (once again) into panic/resentful mode. I saw her sleeping like a princess on the living room couch ("taking a cat nap") so I flicked her arm and said, "couldn't you at least empty the garbage?" So she gets up growls, mutters and complains and this is what I get from that whole ordeal:

C'mon give a sista' a break! She couldn't EVEN put a bag in the garbage!! So I just started piling crap in... let her clean her own mess up! She started it (grabbing my crayons and running home).
So I am up NOW since 6 AM, leg shaking because I have YET to do all that I need to do.
And I have to confess from all that anger that I bottled overnight I was able to scrub (on my hands and knees people that's the way it is done in the Shlape house) most of the floors. However, not all my negative "evil" energy was used up so I did a bad bad thing... I will have to "pay it forward" all day to erase this Karma, but I was mad and feeling dissed and dismissed by her I decided to pour the remaining amounts of coffee down the sink and start a fight. There was "get a job you lazy ass" and then the ball bounced to me "I am moving back to DC"... it was like a toxic tennis match with words as the quick served balls. I hope my point was proven, it was all about "you didn't ask me if you wanted coffee" even though I KNEW she always does, but it's the same thing with helping someone clean they may not ask or tell you they need help, but of course they do!
Well I have no finale to this.... because I have to go get my son and finish cleaning, oh and the dishes THEY ARE STILL IN THE FREAKING SINK! 'NUFF said!

just a babble on hump day

2007-10-03T09:37:00.000-04:00

Things I am working on today:
1. Procrastination
a. I will pack lunch and snack and write pick up note the night before so I am not running like an Olympic contender in the morning.

2. Reach Zen and find some Tao in my DAY-O
a. I will not go head to head with a soon to be 5 year old over mismatched clothes and sandals in the rain. I will allow God to help me "choose my own battles" accordingly.

3. Ignore and not let others words bother me
a. I will not allow my two "catty" next door neighbors who practice opposite Christian like behavior while going to church every Sunday to hurt me with their ice words.
Don't you just love those bigots who don't practice what God preaches?
NO I didn't ask to live at the library and I CANNOT "shut up" my dogs voices, they are DOGS and they will bark especially when left unattended, thank you very much.
NO I will not go in a panic when my DOGS bark.
AND YES I will allow them to be DOGS and if they can't stand the noise then they can purchase ear plugs or SELL and go infect someone else with their negativity.

An "ah-ha" moment today:

~Maybe it is because I am sleep deprived, waking up every night at 2'ish AM in a stress panic, but this morning my son was spelling out D.O.G and G.O.D ... hmmm God and Dog has the same letters. Did you ever hear of the story about a man who asked God to dinner and God said yes. So the man made a big feast and invited all of his friends and while he waited for God a stray dog jumped on his table and started eating his feast. He was so angry that the dog was eating all his food before God came that he beat the dog and shooed him away. The dog yelped and ran away from the man's attack. His friends left and said "I knew he wouldn't come" The next day the man saw God and said "why didn't you come, my friend don't believe in you." God said "I was there, I was the dog that you attacked and beat. You said to come hungry and so I came as a dog." The moral of the story is to believe and have faith AND that all life force has God in it. So when my neighbor says something abusive to me one more time about my "annoying" animals I am going to say "talk to God HE's in the house." If that doesn't wake her up to some sort of loving kindness than my off the wall comment may just drive her away for good!

Peace out peeps and have a laugh your ARSE off kinda HUMP day-Y'all!

It's a Hard Knock Life...

2007-10-02T09:06:00.000-04:00

I was cleaning the kitchen sink overwhelmed with starched filled pots, cereal bowls and getting down and dirty with a leftover Thermos halfway filled with yesterday's "Chickarena" soup for my boy's school lunch. I thought about the bad press on SAHM (stay at home moms). The media often portrays us as incompetent Spa obsessed unmotivated socialites. Ygads, you mean you have NOT USED YOUR bachelors degree in Behavioral Science? (people question). "So like your like a sit home mom and like what do you like do?" (another interesting question) I use my degree, it is never easy to deal with a child in the throws of a tantrum or dealing with the teenage angst and bubbling hormones of this generations youth with their "OMG please do NOT follow me into the mall but do you like ummm like have an extra credit card I can like borrow for just like an hour or like so" I provide options for conflict resolution situations. I also HAVE to multi task, I save money that babysitters and house cleaners or even maintenance workers would HAVE/or still would cost. I also supply comfort and safety when they run into the house after a long day at school. And even I am not an "excellent driver" I still put on my "soccer mom" hat for an errand or activity or several at a time. I may be working without pay, but it is the hardest job that I ever had- and the LONELIEST!
As I scanned the house it proved there was a sort of disease of clutter and showed proof that children ran into rooms with a Tasmania devil's mindset. For example, this morning as I balanced my sanity with positive affirmations I dealt with a short temper tantrum from my four year old in regards to his breakfast boycott. The oatmeal was too hot! He waited! Then the oatmeal was too "liquidy", I added more oatmeal. He waited! Then the oatmeal was too "lumpy", I added his Soy milk. He waited! All while watching "Spongebob". I gave several prompts. I tried techniques offered by the best parents magazines. Nothing! He just waited! I suggested that I would feed him. No response! This was happening while I was preparing his snack and lunch for school. Due to the fact that he has many allergies I decided macaroni would be a suitable choice. Pot bubbling, kid talking back, multi tasking with snack/lunch needs, and I finally gave him the ultimatum either eat or I would turn off the TV. You would think I said there will be no Christmas this year, bombs went off! He screamed, and temper tantrum ensued. I took as many deep breaths that I could remember from my very brief Yoga experience. Pot boiled over my freshly clean flat top stove. I quickly thought of steps: 1. shut off and protect stove from boiling pot. 2. calm the startled and sensitive Wheaten dog whose mother must have smoked crack because he can't function through too much stimuli. 3. gave Gavin a choice, first I shut off the TV and let him fall off the deep end until I could reel him back to the present with my voice "THIS IS THE VOICE" (using my best "TransAmerica" line). while offering to feed him with gentle motherly love. Sanity occurred! He apologized and God smiled! Life was good at that moment, UNTIL I realized we were going to be late for drop off at the school. Running followed! Lots of running and movement here... all a blur!
Teeth brushed
Book bag packed
shoes laced
face washed
medicines administered
Rocco caged (he is a danger to himself when I am gone)
Yet house still a destruction, I was not fazed I could do it with a "Rocky" mentality of all work and no play (except this fast typing post).
I somehow managed to get me and the little man out of the house with minutes to spare, even when I asked him to join his life and get a jacket and the only thing he could find was a very heavy bright yellow WINTER coat. Around the house, once again, running for a light Fall sweatshirt and we are buckled into the car with free XM for three months! God is good, we have the Disney channel and the little man loves to sing loud and proud!
School was packed with kids and parents. We waited, he had feelings that I would not attend with him. I wish life could be like the movie Billy Madison, I wouldn't mind going back and starting all over with him. Most of it is because I miss his little steps throughout the day. I also would love to protect him from all the blows and storms of life.
But today is a good day, there was no tears. He blew me a kiss and walked down the hallway. Gym is today! He was anticipating some fun games.
And I have now slipped back into housecleaning mode. It will be more than a few hours that I will sing "It's a Hard Knock Life" while I scrub floors on my knees, not because I have a "hard life" but because I always wanted to be ANNIE (hey a girl can dream) and no one can hear me belting out those musical tunes.
Ok, wish me luck! I have high hopes that I can clean house, get up to the second with laundry, put all clothes away and still design some flyers for my at home business all before getting my boy at bus time.
Wish HIM luck too, its his FIRST karate class tonight.
Let's hope his homework will be easy and he has his listening ears on!
LIFE IS one awesome ride!Always grateful!

Who needs Mr. Myagi? When you got natural talent...

2007-10-02T06:07:00.000-04:00

It's official, big boy is now in the Tae Kwon Do program! He was walking on air when he slipped into his uniform. He didn't like the "have to earn your belt" idea, but he really put in the foot work. Once I cut and slice the video I will put some for some eyes to view. He will learn perserverance, discipline, self confidence, respect and self control.
It was a big day for the little man. He has a girlfriend named Hannah, shhhh she doesn't even know it yet! He colored his face at the request of no one in his Kindergarten class and EARNED his white belt in a private session at Tae Kwon Do (the home of his "sister in his heart" who made BLACK BELT in April and is now in her "Black Belt" program).
His life is moving in a great direction!
My partner also earned him 5000 Webkinz points for him to go shopping for more beds for his two pets (he has a bed fetish, he buys beds and goes penniless).
I think he is practicing LOA (law of attraction) and he didn't even tell me.
Now if I can only wake him up!
LIFE IS beautiful! Save a tree, hug a friend, LOVE an enemy~Pay it forward- Y'all!

short enough for you Jones? :O

2007-10-01T09:28:00.000-04:00

I Am

Oldies but Goodies

2007-10-01T06:16:00.000-04:00

Peek a Boo I can see you....

2007-09-29T14:31:00.000-04:00

I have a new morning routine.
Of course, I must roll out of bed, STRETCH (those 33 year old bones need to limber up before taking the first step), put on socks (have a phobia with bare feet touching cold hard wood floor that hasn't been freshly vaccummed) and then urinate the extra supply of vitamins my body rejected taken from the night before (usually about 6 different kinds). I wash my hands and smell the extra B complex in the air, which makes me feel good to know they are working for something. I slowly make my way downstairs and stumble to my extra strong (will take the hair off your chest) cup of Starbucks ground coffee. Once I take that first step I breathe a sigh of Buddha calm with a hint of gratitude. Life is grand.
Now for my final new step. I got a lap top for free. It was part of the marketing ploy to get our friend's computer consulting business up and running. I am again doing the Buddha grateful sigh while I unlock it. I shake out any negative morning "crankies" with some Yahoo group "OM" from the many inspirational messages I get on my Outlook. I am connected with spiritual gurus giving me LOA (law of attraction) and attitude of gratitude advice. I am envisioning myself floating through my day with a battle shield designed with happy faces while I protect my body and soul from negative attacks from unhealthy people. I scribble a page or two in my "Thank you Thank you I love my life and I am so grateful for everything" journal. Some women in California may take hours and a whole lot of plastic surgery to look THAT good. It takes a village, a host of inspriational professionals, several positive Yahoo groups, my gratitude/vision journal and a strong ass cup of coffee to get me singing "Don't worry be happy".
After all of this I am Zen.
And then I peer over my antiquated but FREE laptop at my partner whose own Gateway laptop has its back turned toward me. How rude? She looks like she is making a business deal. She casually greets me with a "good morning baby" but there is not exhange of lips. There is no walking a few feet to the kitchen island where I sit on kitchen stool to hug me with hope of a new day. There is only her steady gaze to the screen and finger moving with a purpose around the built in mouse.
I had a strong feeling she was doing it again. I didn't want to catch her by running over to the screen, because she could quickly x it out or minimize it. How would I, this time, catch her in the act? This very thing that is ruining our three year relationship. Does she have any respect? All the Zen in me was shaken out. I was in hurt mode. Why was she wasting her life like this? She decides to wake up on and do this when she could be "Secret"ing her day into financial success and personal achievement. I feel like I MUST say something. But what proof did I have to accuse of her? Then I saw it! Her eye glass lenses showed her crimes like a TV screen. My voice could NOT stay silent any longer.
"You're playing WEBKINZ aren't you?"
She looked right at me like a deer caught in headlights. I could still see "Cash Cow" being played from her lenses.
"Don't lie to me I can see it on your lenses?"
"Ok, Ok.... it calms me down."
"Don't you see you have a problem?"
"I'm getting points for the kids."
"The kids will be fine wihtout the points, baby. You need to stop this Webkinz addiction."
"I'm not addicted."
"OMG you aren't even on the first step."
"The first step of what?"
"The first step of the anonymous steps, you are still in denial. What must I do?
Should I unplug your computer? Do I need to take it in bed with us so that I can watch it at all times."
"No." But confidence disappered.
It is in those moments that I realize that I still need to find my grateful button.
So if the only problem this woman has is bad clothing style, an oblivious desire to chew gum like an animal and a Webkinz addiction I should just "let go and let God".
Webkinz, the crazed phenonmen for kids is a purchase of a selected small stuffed animal with an ecrypted tag that once you "adopt" and register your pet you can play games to earn points so you can furnish your Webkinz house and feed your Webkinz.
She has plummetted into the wacky world of the Webkinz where getting a job and caretaking your pet can be a stressful but rewarding experience (for Children).
I guess in these moments, when I see her pounding on the kitchen table when she mistakenly lost the round, I should just sit back and enjoy the ride. My girl may not be moving the next movement for gay rights, but she is the kindest kid at heart.
She is the first to yell out, "let's play hide and go seek", she likes to chat with the four year olds more than the forty year olds and she can run like the wind in a competitive yet fun game of Tag.
Life looks much differently when you can resign to the fact that it doesn't ALL have to be about business and maturity. She is going to be the greatest mother when I get myself "knocked up". I can imagine her holding our baby: Isabelle or Riley making silly faces to calm them out of their teething faze. Life is about the "moments that take your breath away", its about the laughter in that second (and from what I learned through my ongoing personal court saga there is ALWAYS laughter if you can find it) All you need to have is a positive spirit, a willingness to act like a child and staying present. Sometimes I forget "it". I lose to the norm of adulthood. Wouldn't we all just live a whole lot better if we could skip to our car after a long day of work while blowing massive gum bubbles? Life would be easier if we played more board games and spent less time involved in drama at the office. Shouldn't we all just learn to re live our childhood and instead of "just do it", JUST PLAY!
Peek a Boo, I can see you! Wanna' play with me?

2007-07-27T09:40:00.000-04:00

I will NOT show you pictures of my house.
But if you need to see it just do a google search on images of "all hell has broken loose" and I am confident my house would be running in stiff competition.
Gone is order and cleanliness; the once clear kitchen counters have been hit with a hurricane of party products, three day old mail with oodles of circular fliers and snack attack treats. It must be bad when I was forced to go on a hunt for my morning coffee cup. It was in the laundry room, and NOW I can clearly recall that was where I was hiding this morning from the pack of TWEENS and one rambunctious four year old desperately grasping at straws for their attention. It has been a morning and a HELL of a yesterday.
How can ONE recap all that had taken place? My brain only holds so much memory.
I will copy, paste, move and crop what I can recall FROM "YESTERDAYs" file in my memory bank into a recap saved under: Godgrantmetheserenity.jpg -a.k.a my life!
* Four year old wakes up in a fantastic mood
* I greet him with hugs and kisses
* Four year old states he must "go potty"
* Four year old forgets to hold "area" down while sitting on toilet bowl.
* Four year old comes downstairs naked,explaining urine did not exactly flow into the bowl
* Gave four year old bath
* explained we have to get his "stepsister in his heart" - immediate temper tantrum over not being able to "relax" for breakfast- while dressing him spot gigantic mosquito, I practice bravery, he panics, I attempt to kill it with a book, it flies away and we both run like screaming banshees out of the room.
* Postponed our morning trip to party store (last minute decorations for middle child's party that day) for later time so four year old can find "Zen" with Sponge Bob Square Pants and a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios
* Blur of last minute cleaning
* Lots and lots of laundry to attack as well as combating and winning the war on dust bunnies and germ monsters.
* Four year old and I had a very quick conversation about the dangers of wearing thick camouflage WINTER boots (his choice) with summer attire (had to use NOT only my mommy skills but a host of manipulative techniques I learned in my psych classes from college).
* Still Cleaning- Sweating obviously included
* Rocco needed a bath- it was imperative since he smelled like Salmon and Fumundacheese (old Andrew dice clay line)
* Rocco left a watery mess all over floors- cleaned floors on knees until they SHINED like a baby's ass
* Four year old made a quick goal to destroy and conquer every square footage of house that I JUST cleaned. (energy wasted)
* Re Swifted, vacuumed and scrubbed floor under where four year old spent time in feeding frenzy.
* Took Shower (one blissful moment of solitude) - phone rang called four year old to help locate the phone I was ignored
* made plans with middle child- picked her up at other home and went on way to party store
* 4 year old wanted everything in the store (best to ignore than teach a "mommy lesson" when in the midst of time struggles).
* Ran home where TWEENS (friends of middle child's)were dropped off - ran around house packing backpack with bathing suits, asthma medications, movie passes etc while kids played tag in the living room, dogs were out of control in a welcoming mode and adults were saying quick hi's and goodbye's.
* Ran to movie theater to split the group into 2, since NOT ALL could or would go see Harry Potter (I was the could but wouldn't since H.P. is not my movie of choice)went to see Evan Almighty. There was a moment where I had to smile; sitting on my left was my NOW life love and sitting on my right was her EX life partner- must have been a God thing - the movie had a fitting moral to it, too!
* Saw movie, ran home ALONE to get some things before running back to their other mother's house (ahhhhhh another moment of silence).
* Drove to other mother's house and took some quick pics although struck with a sickening sinus headache.
* Left and drove half the kids back to our house
* Screaming, running ON sugar high mode (and that was just me)
* More pics taken, sang, birthday cake was cut- pics taken again- singing- dancing- running
* Brought up very heavy Queen sized mattress from basement to upstairs living room (I am woman hear me roar) for kids to sleep on
* Through most of this had to give appropriate and reasonable time outs to four year old because of his non listening skills (mostly his excessive jumping on mattress even while humans were laying on it) Administered asthmatic medicine from his running at the speed of light.
* Finally was re introduced with my pillow and felt such a wonderful connection to it
* 12 AM partner advised sleepover kids that the noise level had to drop a decibel
* AT close to 2 AM advised energizer bunnies they would be in for a sup rise come morning when my partner would be getting ready for work (6 AM).

Enter today- took my melatonin WAYYYyyyy to late last night. Struggled with maturity, thankfully God invented the wonderful and beneficial product: CAFFEINE!
Although it is not a miracle, it is has enabled me to create words (even if they ARE in bullet form).
I just had a toddler meltdown. The TWEENS wanted to take a mid morning stroll around the neighbor hood, fresh air is better than stale air conditioning so I wholeheartedly supported their choice. Toddler saw older tween with one of our scooters. Toddler wanted his "big wheel" (I blame this on his Aunt Jeannie for buying it- BECAUSE I CAN! -saying that in my child mode). I attempted reasoning. It backfired. I tried manipulation. It laughed back at me. I felt powerless. He had the breakdown in the middle of the "all hell has broken loose" living room, while I frantically looked under countless blankets, pillows, used wrapping paper, backpacks and pocketbooks for his left shoe. I needed to get him focused. I prayed for that one moment of silence in the midst of the storm. Older child began her "shut up, why does he cry all the time?" yelling at air since she was woken up by toddler jumping on her head and hour to soon. She was not happy. I was not happy. Toddler was not happy. The world was not in alignment. I found cowboy boots, put them on his "Barney Rubble" feet as quick as I could say "God help me!" and carried him out to Tweens who were rolling their eyes thinking, "Why do we have to play with him?"
Thankfully they are one hell of a bunch of caring TWEENS- and I have finished my BLOG... does it matter if complete sentences

War of the PEACHES

2007-07-23T11:32:00.000-04:00

Good moments come a plenty in our blended household. Lately, we have been living with the intent of purpose, focusing our lives on using our powers for good and not evil. "THE SECRET" doesn't have to be all about financial rewards or material success. I belive it is much more about inner happiness, waking up on the "right side of the bed"philosophy.
If I enter the day with pessimism and a "Bah Humbagh" attitude, obviously all of my focus will be unbalanced and in a toxic direction, which is bitter, resentful, finding faults, control... well you get the picture, right?
This weekend, oddly enough, was a mix of both so I would say we weren't in full SECRET mode, just half stalled. It's hard raising and evolving in a blended step family, but it's even tougher, in our defense, living in the lesbian step family land. Well, for starters there is more estrogen circulating in our two family household than in a gyno office. We also have strong, opinionated and regular used vocal chords that express our millisecond to millisecond needs/feelings/emotions. We challenge, protect, advocate and conquer with voice. It is what our family seems to do best. Well at least me! I can be honest. It is my strong Pollack blood line, it runs with not only vim and vigor but fervor and spirit. So it is in my confession I must discuss the WAR OF THE PEACHES.
Simply put it really was the (intro music- duh duh duhhhhhh) WAR OF THE PEACHES (strong voice...fades out- setting the movie tone of my life). I skipped into the kitchen, happy it was Sunday and that by 5 PM we would have a moment to pop a squat on living room couches and lose ourselves in court battles and humor with our new addiction: BOSTON LEGAL. Yes, we are still on Season One, but what do you expect? We have a life! SHE, I like to refer to her when all hell is breaking loose, is in one of her "moods". I learned never, and I mean NEVER, let a Shlakman get to hungry, tired or bored- (whispering) bad things can and WILL happen. I thought I saw her eat, but this time SHE was looking for a fruit fix. She has been obsessed with peaches, I like to live with the "don't ask,don't tell" policy when I don't understand. This is one of the cases. Why would ANYONE desire peaches?? But then again I am a pineapple lover and SHE would rather eat live cockroaches than sip the juice (looking up at ceiling and fantasizing scenario with an evil smile). So here I am minding my own business when SHE says, "What did you do with the peaches?"
Claws out, and I can hear myself hiss "What did you say? She opted on changing her tone, but me feeling vulnerable and ready for attack morphed into reptile mode. I gave her suggestions, SHE played a quick game of "hide and seek" with ignorant and unwilling to participate opponents. From what I saw as slamming fridge and bins (I have been cursed with an active imagination) I managed to blame it on one moody teen. That set her off on a "Why do you hate my daughter?" rant, and I was off to the bedroom with drama behind that slammed door.
Fast forward.. fast forward... after semi-silent battle in locked bedroom while kids obliviously watched "Dinotopia" (except the moody teen who was quick to our mind games which SHE quickly stated -this is none of your business- and moody teen went to take yet another picture of herself for her my space profile pic) we came together, this time in Pepto Bismol colored bathroom to quietly discuss our FEELINGS. Yes, we come with not only the Uhaul and the turkey baster but with a bundle of flavorful drama. We have toned down oodles and swept it under our imaginary Persian inspired Psych of yesterday. Now we are learning, well crawling through our progress of healthy lines and happy thoughts communicated.
So after a quick convo with our 5-5-5- approach. It is a psychological technique learned which basically is just as it says, 5 minutes for each person and last 5 minutes for a recap, although it's USUALLY 8-2-5 where the 8 minutes are in my favor. BUT this time we both really anticipated the next episode of BOSTON LEGAL. We agreed to disagree. The peaches are on our "missing item" list and my son was happily content watching SPONGE BOB Square Pants in middle child's room while we soaked in a good hour's worth of B.L time (when we finish all the Seasons there will be a depressing blog on the sadness of it all).
I had a dream last night, can you guess? I was swimming in a sea of fucking peaches and when I got out of the peach sea someone handed me a shirt that said, "SWAM with the peaches and all I got was this lousy shirt".
'Nuff said!

2007-07-18T08:05:00.000-04:00

I am not going to mention ANY names but SOMEONE/THING woke me up this morning.
I went to sleep after watching a marathon of Season One Boston Legal (LOVE THAT show)on DVD and taking my usual NON addictive and chemical free Melatonin (this time I only took one- BIG MISTAKE).
At 3 AM eyes wide open like a colic baby up for the night I ventured to the bathroom praying that I would not step on my midnight black Cocker Spaniel. Thus the temporary insomnia began. I fretted over my pending court date and all the paperwork that I had completed for the law guardian. I worried over crab grass that I had previously weeded but quickly it re-grew before I could cover with black cover and rocks. I panicked over my life partner's struggles with her ex partner. In the midst of their children growing so quickly my love's EX has issues with financial control (she demands us to pay for all the needs so she can spoil herself and them)as well as other control problems. I stressed over my son and if he was ok because his father is an obese white man with a drinking problem diagnosed with sleep apnea and refuses to get treatment. So his Earth shattering snoring episodes quieted ONLY by his loss of breath from time to time renders me into a fit of panic for my son. All of this stress and NOT even naked lesbians jumping fences could lead me into dreamland.
5 AM and fell into my usual drool sleepy state. Thank you God!
My partner rolled from Queen sized bed at 6 AM to prepare her body and mind for a long day at the J.O.B. My parts went on strike! They refused to rise, even for a refreshingly strong cup of coffee. Ahhh the whole bed to myself!
7 AM B.H.F (big headed freak) set the tone of my morning. Before the Thunder/lightning and torrential downpours there was this particular species... ahhhhemm aheeeemmmm (psst- look at pic above) who is touched by Polish Angels. For some reason, MAYyyybeee when the solar system is aligned just right he barks at people sleeping in beds. This is a strange behavior pattern that makes B.H.F separate and unique from all others of his kind. Maybe he thought I was dead and he was trying to do a non touch form of CPR. But sounds like that should not be coming from ANYONE/ANYTHING at 7 AM.
The particular things (ahhheemm ahheeemmm pssttt again see pic above) Karma came back in his face. He has been panicked and running with 'darth vader' breath through split level house from God's bowling match.
Also, as if the thunderstorm wasn't enough for this mentally impaired animal my son's "Discovery" Arctic ship has been strangely going off on its own, 'darth vader' returns to check out why seal and bird calls are coming out of the plastic toy while jumping at vibrating porch door window from storm activity, he is off and running to protect house, others and himself.
Ohhhh I think he will be ready for a nap soon, once God wins!
I hope its soon I have a small flood in the basement and must unclog rain gutters.
Times like these I wish I was renting....

Mi Familia

2007-07-12T07:23:00.000-04:00

No milk, again!
Our lives have been clouded by court dates, playdates, birthdates, dr. dates, bill dates... but never once did we consider to come together for a grocery date! I used to do the shopping by myself, but I am not as frugal as my partner and 1000.00+ a month later she sits speechless looking over the Visa bill. Sometimes I opt for the easy way out, with a click of the mouse I am grocery shopping online. I love the convenience. I can watch my almighty dollar a little bit better. I can't just grab and throw, I have to contemplate- way the options and then hit ADD.
I watched a show on Bravo something... and.... Kate make Eight or something like that... the woman is my god! I want to bow down to her and follow her around like a trained puppy. Somehow she organizes cut coupons from Net, mail and newspaper and gets her shopping down to 150.00 a week (YGADS she has 8 children!). Even if I add in random visits by neighborhood kids or sleepovers with teens with late night munching issues, I still have to hang my head low (oh the sad sad shame of it all). I am compulsive and my need to please ends me up in the dog house.
We may struggle with everyday money issues, yet we still survive and thrive. All of our panic moments have ended up in either the usual "remember that..." or in a giggle fest while wrapped like two Gumby figurines on Queen sized bed just before the sandman comes to our door.
We are family. No matter if one of the kids is driving me to Bellvue or my partner suggests that she may ram her head into classic ivory walls, we eventually laugh over even the most painful moments as if to say to life, "what were you thinking? you can't break us that easily!"
It's nice to come home after an excruciatingly stressful day at the office or NOW while we are in the midst of a silly custody battle with an alcoholic stubborn ex and just smell HOME. It has a scent that replaces all the troubles of minutes past. I plop my size 5'3 frame onto our chocolate colored leather couch, "that which doesn't kill us only makes up stronger." There will be a moment of time when the dust has finally settled, and I can blog about this pain. By then it will be over. Whichever the way the coin is tossed, it will have a finality- a resolution, and our family will survive and thrive.
When we are out of milk - we run to Dunkin Donuts.
When our family is in pain- we get an ice pack or have that shoulder ready for them to lean on.
It is just the way family works. We don't just use the word family in sentences to describe ourselves, we are THAT! We are family by the way we interact and blend with thoughts, actions and hearts.
I show our children how family works by being in it. Like the lottery's logo, "you must be in it to win it." Winning love is so much sweeter than a wasted lottery ticket. I choose to be in this life, not hibernating, not isolating but truly pushing myself to work through the pain, fear and anxiety and just BE IN IT! I can't control my surroundings, I wish I could! But I am learning that I can only focus on my own growth, being a role model is more than just by word of mouth. Our children are at different age levels and have different ways of looking at the world. If I can teach them two things it is to learn to be INvolved in life by doINg (not saying) and to love without fear of getting that love back in return. Starting with family, we grasp the concepts of emotional intelligence; empathy, loyalty, honesty, sacrifice, integrity and unconditional love.
For example, it was me that should have picked up milk at the local deli two days ago, however we cope without milk there was mild blaming but only because my partner has been generously getting up at the crack of dawn and going to Dunkin Donuts (sacrifice) and she realizes I was busy with kids and home (empathy). She still loves me (loyalty). She may wait patiently for that carton of milk to be purchased but until then she wakes quietly and never yells, "why can't you get the damn coffee, bitch!" (unconditional love). You see, even in the little moments you can learn a life lesson.
Today I have much to do. Emails to send, house to clean, a four year old that will be requiring my immediate and entire attention once he wakes, phone calls to make and goals to achieve.
But one thing I will NOT forget in this moment of time. The most important thing that I have learned to date. Always... and I mean ... always... have a fresh supply of 2% MILK in the fridge!
Ahhhh it's been real, have a day like no other and let it be free of negativity and resentment!
much inner peace, unconditional love and true happiness!

2007-06-25T19:51:00.000-04:00

My Addiction
(what I had written a year ago when I was knee deep in my obsession)
A lock of escaped bleached hair tumbled into my porcelain eyelids. She carefully brushed the hair, I gently awoke. I rubbed at my eye sockets with callused fingertips pushing them so far back I could see a kaleidoscope of spots. I sniffed the rim of the virgin white coffee mug purchased on sale from Macys.com, which temporarily contained a delicious blend of Columbian/Espresso with faint hints of Toasted Almond creamer. I peered at the orange wall and my eyes slipped into a subliminal trance of html codes and background music options.
It seems I am hooked, but I don’t want to admit it. Denial is my warm fuzzy sweater I don daily. I am not powerless, or so I continue to justify, because the denial attire blocks all truths from my doorstep. Everyone is this way, I rationalize. I am perfectly normal. Really, I was able to focus my life without it for at least an hour yesterday. I carefully balanced the coffee mug while I wiggled over to my lover’s king sized alabaster pillowcase. She massaged my back, working on the tiny little knots that were strategically sitting like a battleship move game pieces all across my body.
“Honey, you’re so tense”
“I don’t feel stressed, why do you think I am so knotty?”
“Maybe it is all the time you spent hunched over the computer.”
“Are you calling me lazy?”
“NO! I just thought….”
“Oh you just think what?”
“Nothing, you are being way too sensitive”
Should I admit defeat? Should I join a support group? Was she right? Yes, I believe she may have a point, I couldn’t control myself. My name is Jeannine, and I am a MY Space addict. Second to second, I am sucked into the ‘my space’ world, a place to meet people all across the globe. As I shower my translucent skin I am thinking about color schemes. When I am conversing with my neighbor my mind wanders to the relationship of Drew and Jackie, they went to dinner last night, hmm, I wonder if there was a candlelight ambiance and what did they order? Drew wasn’t happy with Jackie, I hope it’s not because of that damn Kristen who seems to decorate “hello and miss you” all over Jackie’s page. What in the hell is wrong with Jackie anyway she has a great girlfriend why would she mess it up?
I stumbled upon this phenomenon through a sporadic Google search. Shortly after, I discovered the mind trap of ‘my space’. With one click you are sucked into a portal that displays millions of registered users networked at your convenience. Just like dinosaur artifacts to a historian at the local museum you can view people’s lives and all their daily drama with one swift mouse stroke. Competitors may find another’s page something to strive for with animated graphics and musical codes, which you can download easy “cheat sheets” for the HTML challenged. Today everyone can be a ‘techy geek’. Bored folks like me can spend hours sending “adult” content jokes and pictures through the comment box option or just a friendly “hey just stopping by” .gif. or .jpg peg. Am I talking goobly gook to you? Check it out for yourself you will be hooked into a world that makes Narnia or Harry Potter look like a token ride at the local Chukee Cheese.
I advised my best friend about myspace.com and soon she was on reconstructing her site to perfection. Jealousy was a strong reason or excuse to frequent my page creating an HTML heaven. I wanted to battle with her. I craved recognition from others that I collected to my “friend” box. I was obsessed with increasing my “friend” number, this is a tragedy know as the ‘my space whore’.
Lonely? Empty? To scared to find face to face contact? You can dissect me for hours and still I am not sure why my fingers tremble if I am off line for a few hours. I can no longer participate in my life. Every tree reminds me of a background I have viewed. People that pass me by on the street look strangely familiar. Are they a ‘my space’ member? I question.
Cutting the chord would be a great feat for my addictive spirit. When my computer went down for five days I subjected myself to transfer the addiction to increasing my coffee intake. Not only was I moving about the house in record pace, but I was scaring visitors that came by my repetitive rocking motions and twitches. To much coffee or no ‘my space’ time, you be the judge.
I cancel plans with my girlfriend and her friends just so I can spend a night ‘browsing’ people that are on line. My space is like a ‘free hopper pass’ to Disney. It gives you opportunities to check out unsigned musical artists or download from musical giants. You can rub elbows with the likes of ‘supposed’ Hollywood stars. And you can network your home based business or locate new writers just starting out like yourself.
It’s 1 PM, and I have managed to write this short article on my addiction. At this time, I have went a cool 2 hours without logging on, but I am itching to see if *Julianna from Maryland answered me back about her families Cancer battle and if *Piper, my best friend, from the ‘burbs has sent me a recent “shout out sister” comment to bring a smile to my weary face. I realize that I am a nosy soul. I don’t utilize my space for a popularity contest; I want to know how the world is doing. It is a gigantic cyber soap opera better than any national TV network creation.
And for the fourth time today. I entered in my http path: www.myspace.com, log on with my email address and password and hope that my count has jumped to an outstanding number, which means others have viewed my page.
It is, I have said, a legal form of voyeurism without getting arrested. Forget “The Apprentice”, “Big Brother 24” or “The Real World” I am off to my space world.

The Adventures of the "RocNess" Dogster

2007-06-08T08:20:00.000-04:00

I want to know all I can about this Soft Coated Wheaten Terrier (pic to the left). Some say he modeled his neurotic tendencies from his non bio mother (ME). Can't you see the resemblance? (see above right) He calls me "Mommy". He calls his other mother "Mamma". Or at least when I say "where's mamma?" He runs for her. Maybe he believes everyone who walks into our "Shlape" home is MAMMA. Who knows?
He is in another world, touched by angels and mayhem. HE is a mix of hell in a hand basket, and he is my "boy". We call him Rocco B.O.C. ("but of course", which is another term of endearment when my love and I met), a.k.a he is also "Vinny Goombatz". Vinny stuck for a two reasons, he had so much fur (like an Italian's hairy chest) and he complemented the stereotype with a silver choke chain. He is also my boy, and I am half Italian. Also, he dismembers things. My Swiffer, is one example. He left the parts to "swim with the fishes". I am not sure what possessed him to deconstruct my favorite housecleaning tool. I have O.C.D tendencies and my hard wood floors used to be my obsession. I am working through the cleaning and dust issues day by day by day by freaking day.... Anyhoots, I searched for my Swiffer. It was a good half hour. I left it in the dining room. It was not where I left it. This brought me on my "Swiffer" hunt throughout rooms that needed to be dusted, "Swiffer'd", vacuumed and SCRUBBED... while I lost my train of thought to my cleaning "issues". I yelled, "Help! My Swiffer is gone." Just as I suspected, no one was listening! My search was solo. Finally I discovered one of the parts underneath the couch.
Rocco, A.k.a Vinny, must have been tormented by the voices (I can only imagine). A week later, I found the other part, underneath the hutch in the living room that houses our stereo.
That same week I was cleaning under the oven and out popped the last part of the Swiffer.
To be a fly on the wall when the "situation" ensued would have been priceless.
I can now better understand that when "Vinny" talks our Cocker Spaniel "Molly" walks (no runs) for shelter.
But he does have endearing qualities such as:

He touches walls with all his legs (maybe safety reasons? vertigo?)
He is extremely affectionate
He greets everyone with the trademark "Wheaten Greetin'", which is (yes I researched on google- sarcasm) when visitors come in the door he will jump on them to smell their breath and lick their faces.
He has unconditional love for his Mamma (I can see him with a tatoo on his right leg with a heart and the wording "Mamma" branded in it)
He wants to believe he is a lap dog and practices "The Secret" everyday that he is a lap dog. We think he may be saying to himself, "I am a Shih tzu. Be the Shih tzu. I am one with the Shih tzu frame of mind" Again he is about three to four times the size of a Shih tzu but we let him dream small.

But the fact remains, he is still a TAD crazy. Not ill. But crazy in the zany, quirky you just GOTTA' love this disturbed dooogie. I need to know if it is just this Wheaten or all wheatens that make him a breed separated from the rest? I think he may just be part human. He does love the smell of coffee in the morning. His mouth waters over pizza. Could he be an ex-mob boss reincarnated into a Soft Coated Wheatens body sharing a house with a blended lesbian step family? Some might say he must have been a bad man to be placed in this family lifestyle. But the bigots and the hate moguls can wave their ugly tongues somewhere else. I think he was a kind little Italian man who sipped from his demitasse cup a piping strong cup of Espresso while reading the daily newspaper, however, maybe his new life journey as a dog in a lesbian family is because his son was "gay" and he couldn't come in to terms with it so he was reincarnated to learn a life lesson. Maybe he prayed to God that he would love to find another family that was more "loving" than his sterile Sicilian household after getting more than a few "life" beatings from his authoritarian dad. Whatever the case, he is now a member of our family. Mi Familia, The Shlape's (all of our last names combined).

A couple of months ago, before we started caging him when we left the house, Rocco "Vinny" somehow (for the love of all that is HOLY) managed to drag one of the fireplace poker's a few feet from chimney to NEW brown leather couch and marked it up. We still question how this happened? How one dog can carefully grab a fireplace poker with his teeth, without knocking the other's down, and throwing fireplace poker onto brown leather couch with steel teeth and fighting it on top of unmarked/unblemished couch is beyond my reasoning. Got answers? All I can say is we call our couch "Rocco distressed". These are the things that happen in our household with our Soft Coated Wheaten Terrier.

Last month, I was enjoying a fresh cup of Butter Pecan coffee, closing my eyes to meditate, I heard my partner screaming, "Get out!" My usual thought was, "Oh Molly she must have gotten into the garbage can again" (the cocker spaniel has food issues). But then my partner was running and screaming crazy talk, "We have to get rid of this dog.", which caused her ever neurotic 11 year old to panic and start sobbing, "not our Rocco." The almost 15 year old who lives in a state of perpetually in the bathroom putting on makeup and loving only herself teenage daughter of my partners said in a cold demeanor, "It's for the best." I jumped out of the bed to see what "Vinny" could have done now. I ran to the hallway to see the grey CONCRETE paint that I had left in the hallway for over two weeks (eyes looking up and whistling so as not to get blamed for this entire incident), because I started a bathroom project and never finished due to my ADHD tendencies SPILLED all over HARD WOOD FLOORS. Coffee cup on floor. I ran downstairs calming my partner with soothing words like "honey I got it. Everything is fine." Panicked but knowing I must step up to the plate, I picked up the oozing paint with my hands, sponges, garbage bags, pieces of cardboard until it was all cleaned. Something else miraculously happened! The family came together! Could it be? We can pull together in an emergency situation?? This was mind blowing! Progress not perfection, she always tells me. Dude, this WAS perfection! Who cares that our Wheaten Terrier was fingerprinting the entire house with leftover grey concrete paint. I couldn't even worry about grey paint mixing with our green walls and white trim. Nor would I be bothered with obsessing over the fact that the remaining grey paint had dried and made a portion of the hallway a murky grey cloud on top of cherry wood floors. Our family rocks!

These events make Rocco special. Who knows why he decided to attack the grey concrete paint that was NOT securely closed in the middle of the hallway?? Who can answer why he has a "witching hour" where he circles the perimeter of the kitchen, dining room and living room from 7-8 PM and attacks random objects that seem to bother him at THAT time?

We just know that IF he is a reincarnated little old Italian man, Heaven may not have wanted him, but the Shlape's sure did!

Love Names

2007-06-08T07:00:00.000-04:00

To understand our relationship one MUST look directly at picture above.
Do you see how the lady in white appears to be hanging onto the lady in the striped shirt every word? She's NOT! In fact, I can bet you a dollar to a donut she is thinking either, "when will this crazy bitch finally calm down?" or "I wonder what I should eat tomorrow morning?".
Yes, she appears to be mesmerized and engaged in the striped lady's speech. Again, She's not!
How would I know? I am the lady in the striped, and if I could ask her to repeat whatever I said in those moments where she APPEARS to be listening, I can be brutally honest with myself, it is all a facade. This is how our story goes. I blurt. I speak. I shout. I babble. I rant. I converse. And she does NOT listen.
This is how "love names" came about. Me, in my usual banter conversing like a quick witted auctioneer about my latest research on google.com. Somehow I found that the love term, "babe", a casual term of endearment in our house, was a term narcissist call their lovers. I did not want to be a narcissist. I wanted to be pure, loving and empathetic. I might have read this information on Wikepedia, which I discovered is really other like humans posting their ideas on various subjects. However and wherever I found this interesting tidbit, I wanted to change our "love name". I wanted to be on the level of LOVE where purity, honesty and commitment existed. I did not want to be on the level where playing tag and deceit were common practices.
So I THREW the idea out into the atmosphere and she just looked at me- JUST LIKE above.
And so as we wandered through a store she called out, "babe". Ygads! Did she not hear my hour lecture on the various levels and stages of love? Did she not listen to me speak about giving our love a fighting chance by sprinkling it with integrity, purity, sincerity and unconditional love? "Babe" was not fitting into my "forever" picture.
"Were you listening to me?" Blankly, eyes wide opened she stared like a deer caught in headlights not knowing what answer to choose. "Umm about the sheets?"
This set me off to a good twenty minutes in a aisle occupied by a motley crew of various individuals, oblivious to their curious stares I went off into insane tangents of her lack of listening comprehension skill and void of compassion to the human spirit. I topped the argument (could you call it that since only one really engages?) with our love is doomed.
She walked away. Thus throwing me into a panic. Was she cheating on me? How could she breeze through this issue lightly? She must be cheating on me, I must prepare for her confession. But how? Was it someone at her job? Could it be an ex? Why wasn't she showing me more enthusiasm and response to this issue? Because, she is ready to leave you. The little voice in my cranium commented. These little moments, thankfully past and gone (but not forgotten), is what has given our relationship "flavor". It has also exhausted our energy more than any morning Tae Bo lesson.
And so we pushed through that moment with a hopeful "let's pick new names".
It was as if we were naming a baby. We sat for hours throwing out "love names" like:

"Thing 1" and "Thing 2"
Gabe (a mix of gay and babe)
Gaby (mix of gay and baby)
Jewby (she's Jewish incorporated with baby)
Polby (I'm Polish .. you get the picture)
Itby (also half Italian- we got a kick out of mixing ItbyJewby together)
Sweets
Hon

The list could go on and on if my memory would only serve its purpose, but in the insanity of it all we finally picked a name. She calls me from upstairs, ready for her long and tedious day at the radio station. "BABE!" I call back, "Be right up, Babe"

So much for insanity!